These Things We Do
by Cain
Summary: COMPLETE. More or less, a traditional RT slash fic. Tawny is tired of Ren keeping their relationship a secret. Ren is afraid what people, specifically her father, will think. AKA the usual. Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note- Hello, here is my first fic. And possibly the only one I'll ever write because I'm really not big on writing fan fiction, I just had the urge to write a Ren/Tawny story. It's unfortunate that this urge has come upon me so late, when so few people are reading ES fics. Anyway, this is from Tawny's POV right now, but I might switch to Ren's sometimes. I haven't decided yet. I'm sort of writing this as I go, so suggestions are welcome. I should say right now though that this fic is never going to get too explicit. I'm not into that, so I won't write it. I also can't promise regular updates. They might happen, they might not. It depends on how inspired I am. Reviews can add to my inspiration though… just something to think about. 

Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own Even Stevens or any of its characters, locations, etc.

**These Things We Do**

Chapter One

"It has nothing to do with how I feel about you…" She insisted. Sometimes I believe her, sometimes I'm not so sure. I mean something to her, just not enough maybe.

It's kind of strange how it all came about really. She came to me, a close friend, and former girlfriend, to her younger brother Louis. We didn't know each other that well, but she chose me to confide in. Maybe Louis said something, gave me a good word if he knew Ren needed someone to talk to. He didn't know what about, at least as far as we knew. He didn't know about either of us. But perhaps he did. Maybe that's why he sent Ren to me…

Regardless, she came to me and outted herself, and in having someone else initiate the confession, I confessed that I was in the same boat. That was the basis for our friendship. I wasn't entirely in the closet, but no one close to me knew. At least not by my admission. Anyway, when Ren told me that she thought she might be into girls, I was glad. Not because I was interested in her, but because she was a step closer to people close to me. If she knew about me that was progress, and her being able to relate made it easy for me to tell her. My family has always been pretty liberal so I don't know why I was so hesitant to tell my parents. As for not telling Twitty or Tom, that was because I didn't want either of them to tell Louis. I hadn't figured out how to tell him yet. We'd been on-again, off-again since early 8th grade, and to suddenly tell him the end of sophomore year that I was pretty sure I was gay seemed like the last thing a guy would want to hear. However, Louis has always been a good friend. He might not take it well at first, but he wouldn't blow me off or anything. My family, and close friends not in the know, but me feeling like I had to tell someone led me to meeting Amy Johnson. I had drama with her and she was very openly gay. She introduced me to lots of girls and opened the doors for experimentation. I spent the whole summer with her and with too many other girls to keep track of… certainly not a monogamous world I'd gotten sucked into. But it was fun, and I had a great time.

Then Ren came to me at the beginning of school. She was terribly upset. It was her senior year, she'd maintained her spotless reputation, her perfect grades, everything for years. But she wasn't happy. She told me that it was a romantic problem, and my first thought was, 'how is this out of Ruby's sphere of expertise? She told me about all the guys she'd dated and how she always felt the need to be with a guy so people wouldn't "doubt her". But none of the guys she met had anything on common with her… not Bobby, Gil, or Jason. And it wouldn't have mattered if they did, she said, cause she wasn't attracted to them. I told her she just hadn't met the right guy yet. She said she knew that wasn't the problem. I said, 'If you know what isn't the problem, you must have a hunch as to what is…' she nodded. I'm not attracted to guys.

I was shocked at first, but the more I thought about the more it made sense-- the guys she dated, her attitude toward boys in general… it always seemed like she was behaving the way a girl was expected to around boys… and her incessant striving for perfection a likely effort to hide one bold imperfection. So I said, hypocritically enough, 'I'm sure you're family will be ok with it. You should tell them.'

She shook her head, horrified at the thought. 'My dad wouldn't be. My mom sure, but my dad… you should hear the way he talks about…them…those people. All that gay marriage stuff has led to lots of arguments between him and my mother. She even asked him what he'd do if one of us…one of his children, were…gay. He said that wouldn't happen. If it didn't they wouldn't be his children. He had taken no part in the creation of such an abomination…Think, all the things I've done right. And Louis getting in trouble right and left. But I would be the ultimate failure to him.'

I didn't know what to say to that so I just offered to introduce her to some of my friends, and said I'd be there if she ever needed to talk about anything. She took me up on the offer, and the next weekend I introduced her to Amy and the girls. It wasn't the same for her as it was for me. She was more conservative I guess. She was nervous about messing around with people she didn't know. I said it was weird at first but it's really not a big deal. Amy liked her a lot, said she had a sort of wide-eyed innocence about her. I agreed, but I couldn't decide whether or not I was helping her by bringing her to these places. She started coming with me all the time and sometimes we would just end up talking all night about everything. We became really good friends. I'd never had a good friend that was a girl before, so it was a little strange, but nice. There were so many things I couldn't confide in Louis. Too many things he wouldn't get.

Anyway, Amy liked Ren a lot but Ren didn't feel the same way. She tried, I'll give her that. She got further with Amy than anyone. She would go into a room and make out or whatever, but whenever it got too intense, Ren would suddenly get up, claim she couldn't do it, and leave. Every time she went into a room, with Amy or someone else, I would wait outside… not right outside, but close… I wasn't jealous or anything. It's just I became very protective of Ren. She was more innocent than the rest of us. She was sheltered, she was a good girl, and she was lost. I didn't want her to get hurt, especially on my account. So I was always relieved when she came out, usually in tears and humiliated, wanting to leave.

We were inseparable, but separated most of the time. Out of the eyes of our family and close friends, we spent every moment together. I truly think if Louis hadn't have been my ex and her brother we would've hooked up pretty quickly. I know it didn't take long for my feelings to escalate from protective of her to completely enamored with her. I didn't tell her though. But I used every opportunity to be close to her, to brush against her, touch her somehow. She let me get away with a lot so, assuming she wasn't completely oblivious, I think she liked me too.

"I know," I said. "I've hear the story, Ren." I replied, looking over at her.

"But you don't listen to me." Her hands tightly gripped the steering wheel. "I told you this when I first told you…everything. My dad is extremely…"

"Your dad's a homophobe, Ren, I know." I started to open the car door.

"If you knew, you wouldn't be pushing me." She glowered in my direction.

I sighed. "I just don't see why you want to bother staying together if we've never even gone on a real date."

"Because…" She started, but stopped. She had a reason, but she didn't want to tell me.

"I'll see you later, Ren."

"Tomorrow night?" She asked.

I could tell by her voice that she was crying but I didn't want to look at her, didn't want her to know that I knew she was hurting and opted to bail rather than try and comfort her. "Sure, tomorrow. My parents will both be out of town."

"See ya, Tawny." She mumbled, turning the key in the ignition.

"Later." I said, shutting the car door and heading around the corner to my house.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Her moods were volatile like that. She could be so depressed one night with me, after a fight or something. But the next time we saw each other… it was like nothing had happened.

90 of our fights started with me trying to get her to tell her family. I was ready to tell Louis and I wanted her to do it with me. I felt that I couldn't tell him and then sneak around with his sister behind his back. It was bad enough to be doing that, but to tell him would mean I was starting to open this part of me up. I've always felt that the truth is an all or nothing area.

Ren always promised she'd try and tell. She never succeeded. She was too afraid. And I, selfish as I am, blamed her for the fact that I hadn't told my own parents yet. I was ready, but she didn't want me to out myself to our day-time crowd until she could do the same. I liked the idea of having someone to go through it with me, so I agreed So technically, I could blame her… but I was afraid to tell them alone. I don't know why I put so much pressure on Ren to do it. I don't know why she never called me on it.  
Anyway, the fight we'd had in the car the night before was among the 90. Again, I'd brought up the argument that if she really cared about me, if she really wanted to be with me… she'd tell. I'd then proceeded to curse myself in the safety of my bedroom. I had been very patient with Ren, and we'd been together for months in secret. It was perfectly reasonable that I wanted to make it public, but I wasn't going about it in a fair way. Or was I?

I considered telling my parents myself before they left for the airport, but they were running late and left in frenzied rush. I figured I'd bring it up with Ren again. I wouldn't pressure her to do anything, I'd simply tell her that I was going to tell my parents. Who knows… maybe if it was well-received news on their part, Ren would be more comfortable telling hers.

There was a knock at the door around 11, peering through the spy hole I saw Ren, staring at the ground and glancing over her shoulder. Making sure she hadn't been followed, no doubt. She was always so paranoid.

"Hey," I opened the door.

"Hello," she replied, giving me a light kiss on the cheek.

Every time we touched, in any way we touched, the feeling that surged through me was incredible. It was like a drug, this addiction I had to her contact. Just leaning next to her could give me a sort of rush, tying my stomach into a nervous knot, but not painful or sickening. It made me weak in the knees. I don't want to give the impression it was merely physical attraction that bound me to her, because it wasn't. We connected on so many levels. It was this physical side-effect of the love-drug that made me put up with her demands for secrecy . I was with her because I…

"I brought a movie," She said, stepping past me into the entryway. "Romeo + Juliet."

"Again?" I asked, rolling my eyes and crossing my arms, feigning irritation to cover the thoughts racing through my mind all of a sudden.

"It's been like 3 weeks since we last watched it. It's my favorite movie." She explained with a smile, pulling me in for another kiss. An effortless attempt at persuasion that succeeded as perfectly as she planned it.

"Ren," I reluctantly pulled away from her. "I need to tell you something."

Sensing the urgency in my voice, she straightened up nervously. "You're parents are gone till Sunday… we could enjoy the whole weekend in private. If you're going to start with me again can't it wait until Sunday?"

"Yes," I smiled. "I'm already planning to save that until Sunday."

"Well, what is it then?"

I hesitated, I had two bits of news and didn't see them as complimentary. So which one did I tell her? Well, telling her that I was going to tell my parents was bound to start a fight. Telling her what I'd just realized could yield a million different reactions.

"Tawny?" She touched my arm gently, pulling me out of my contemplations.

"I… just wanted to tell you that… I think…" I stopped. "Nothing. Never mind."

"What is it?" She pressed, it was obviously something big if I had trouble saying it.

I looked up at her soft brown eyes. "I wanted to tell you that," I inhaled deeply. "I think I'm in love with you."

The silence that followed my proclamation seemed to drag on interminably. She just started back at me, eyes wide. She taken her hand from my side.

"You…you don't have to say… you love me or anything," I stammered. "I just though that I should tell you."

"Yeah, yeah," She whispered. "But… that's… it's… big."

I smiled weakly. "I guess."

"I don't know…" she started. "I've never been… I mean, how do you know?"

"Ren," I sighed.

"You said it, you have to have something to back it up with, don't you? You can't just say something like that."

"I don't know, I just… you know, there's no pressure on you here. Let's just go watch the movie, ok?"

"But there is pressure on me. How can I not say something back?"

"You've said plenty back already."

"No, but I mean. I don't… I don't know if…if I love you."

"Ok, that's fine." I tried to pull her to the living room but she stopped me.

"I know that… I've never felt the way I do about you before." She said quietly. "But I've never been in love before. So I don't know if…"

"It's fine, Ren." I cut her off, not wanting her to keep torturing herself with emotional confessions. "Let's go watch the movie." 


	3. Chapter 3

AN: A shorty, should've been tagged on to the end of chapter 2 but somehow got cut off and I didn't realize it.

Chapter 3

I wasn't sure how I felt about what she'd said after that. As we sat on the couch, her attention seemed focused intently on the movie she'd seen a million times before. Like she'd managed to just shove everything out of her head. I couldn't. I hadn't been expecting her to say she loved me, and she didn't. But now I was wondering if she did. She'd said 'she'd never felt this way about anyone before' or something to that effect... It was very possible she was in love with me, she just didn't know it yet. Nut then again, it was assumptions like this that ould get me hurt in the long run.

I leaned against her warm body, snuggling in a bit closer. She dropped her arm from the back of the couch and wrapped it around me, welcoming. But we didn't say anything. And I couldn't help but thinking of the problems we had in that department. The things I wanted her to say, she wasn't ready to say. The things I said, she may have not been ready to hear. Maybe it was all better left unsaid.

After the movie ended, she got up to leave, almost without hesitation.

"You're going?"

"It's late. I have a test tomorrow morning."

"It's Friday." I said, anger rising in me as I suspected, quite reasonably I thought, that she was lying to me.

"The SAT."

"Didn't you take that last year?"

"Yeah, but I want to try it one more time. See if I can do better." She said, without looking at me.

If it had been anyone else, I wouldn't have bought it. You don't get a 1500 on the SAT and then retake it. Unless you're Ren Stevens.

"I'll be back tomorrow, probably around 2 or 3. Ruby's out of town, but I don't think my parents know it. I'm going to tell them I'm sleeping over at her place, so tomorrow I can stay here." She squeezed my arm, sensing my anger. "Please don't be mad."

"I'm not." I said coldly, still not entirely sold on her excuse to leave at 11.

"Tawny," She sat back down beside me. "What's up? I already told you I couldn't stay over tonight anyway."

"Nothing. Go, you need to."

"My parents are getting suspiscious, I can't be here all the time. They'll find out."

I glared at her. "That would be because you tell them, right?"

She hesitated. "Right."

"Ren,"

"Look, you said we'd save this till Sunday, didn't you?" She asked, getting angry herself now too.

"Maybe I can't wait until then."

"Well, maybe I shouldn't come over at all then."

"You're the one who started this, Ren. You want it more than I do." I don't quite know why I said that.

"You're the one whose in love." She muttered before slipping out the door. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 3 

'You're the one whose in love'-- what sort of thing was that to throw in someone's face? Why did she use that, of all things, as an insult? Because it bothered her. Somewhere in me I'd known it would. She wasn't ready for that, wasn't ready or wasn't interested. Except, if she was interested in me _exclusively_ on physical grounds she wasn't good at getting what she wanted. I'd gone all the way with several girls, never with Ren. She was all cuddles and, once in awhile, the most chaste making out imaginable. For Christ's sake, it took like 5 dates before she would kiss me-- I mean, really kiss me, none of that close-lipped Disney stuff. And even after that first kiss, I could probably count all the times we've made out in the three months we've been together on my fingers. In fact, making out with Ren generally consisted of one long kiss. Then she was spent and I was starving for more. So I should say I could count all the passionate kisses on my fingers. I don't know what it is with her, but I never wanted to pressure her.

I shouldn't make her sound like a prude, because she's not. She was nervous around me a lot at first, and that got better. However, maybe she knows what she's doing. She is a better kisser than anyone I've ever kissed. And her hands... She knows how to please me, to say the least, and without doing much or taking off my clothes. I do think I should give her the benefit of the doubt here, she must know what she's doing, giving me the slightest tastes, enough to have me addicted and craving. But not enough that you could call her a 'bad girl'. I really wonder what she'd think of me if she saw what I do to her in the privacy of my mind.

She was staying over that night, all night. Maybe I could get her shirt off at least. If I'm not making Ren sound too conservative, then I should make a point to say I'm not a slut. I've done my fair share of experimenting, yes, but my wanting to be more intimate with Ren is more that that. I've never been drawn to someone the way I am to her. If she actually hinted at wanting to go further with me, I'd probably freeze up. I'd be so nervous, even though I am the experienced one of us, as far as I know, Ren's done more with me than with any other girl. However, I haven't ever asked about what she'd done with guys. I couldn't see much of a limit to what she may have done just before coming to me, her last efforts at trying to straighten herself out, no doubt she'd made some.

Was she even coming over? It wasn't much of a fight we'd had, justa little bickering really. It had become very standard for us. She said she was coming. And she's used my feelings for her as an insult… The more I thought about that, the angrier I got. It was difficult for me to tell her that I loved her, and in the past 12 hours I'd realized how true it was, and how strong my feelings for her were. And at first, she'd seemed startled, maybe a little freaked by my confession, but not altogether unhappy. She said she'd never felt this way about anyone before, but she didn't know if it was love. What the hell was 'this way' that she felt? Either way, I was content with that answer. But for her to throw my confession back in my face…

I wondered how I'd greet her that afternoon, if she came… she would. She knew if she upset me enough I wasn't above going out with Amy and the girls and finding myself a one-night stand. And Ren could be very jealous.

I debated how to greet her for a few hours before a knock at the door broke my concentration. I'd expected it to be her, but it was a guy from UPS.

I spent the afternoon anxiously awaiting her, not wanting to call, sound needy. But she said she'd be there around 2 and it was drawing close to 5 with no sign of her. Maybe she wasn't coming. My heart sank into my gut at the thought, but jumped back into my chest with a sound knock at the door.

I got up from the kitchen table where I'd been munching on a salad on-again, off-again during my long, arduous thought process. This time it was Ren.

"Hey," I said, pulling the door open.

"Hey," She said, barely audible from a dry throat-- curiously enough, she was as nervous before me then as she'd been on the first time she'd come over to my house after we'd decided to try each other out.

Stepping inside she pulled a bouqet of white roses out from behind her back. "I'm sorry about what I said yesterday, before I left."

'You're the one whose in love' rang through my head again. "It's ok," I murmured, taking the flowers. White roses were my favorite. Louis never had been able to remember that.

"No, it's not," She said, not looking at me. "I… it's just…"

She was startlingly bad at communication when it came to topics like this. It had always shocked me, seeing how skilled she was when it came to speeches, debates, arguments, impromptu presentations… it seemed she never had a problem making her point known in a very clear, articulate manner. But when it came to romance, she tended to trip quite a bit. It was as though she was making up for her expert speaking skills in all other areas by failing miserably in this one.

"It's fine, you didn't mean it," I said, slipping my arms around her neck and hugging her close.

I felt her slender arms tighten around my lower back. Her heart was pounding in her chest.

"So, the ever-punctual Ren Stevens was late." I claimed, smiling, as I loosened my hold and pulled back, leaving my hands resting on her neck and shoulders.

"I was not. I've been here since 3. I was trying to plan out what I was going to say." She sighed. "That really didn't work very well though."

"Are you serious?" I asked, in disbelief, and loving the thought.  
"Yeah," I was here when the UPS guy came… I," she laughed a little, "I was pacing and when he pulled up I freaked. I jumped off the deck."

"Into the rhododendron?" I laughed. "You are too paranoid."

She smiled. "Well, I'm glad you get some joy from my suffering." She turned to show me the red line of dried blood on her side, just above her hip.

"You probably want to clean that," I led her into the bathroom and checked the medicine cabinet for Neosporin and a bandage.

"This is a nasty cut," I said, as I covered it with the white bandage. "Does it hurt?"

"Not anymore, not really."

I nodded, washing and drying my hands. "Oh, do you have any more?"

"Huh?"

"Cuts? Anymore? I just washed my hands and I didn't even think to check…"

"Oh, no, I'm fine."

"Ok then, come on," I started to leave the room, but Ren caught me by the arm and pulled me back.

"Wait, I…" Her voice trailed off and she started at me.

"What? Is everything ok?" I asked, startled by the sudden change in her mood.

She opened her mouth as if to speak, but instead she pulled me in close and kissed me. She lifted me onto the counter and leaned against me, pressing me against the wall, her hands tangled in my hair, massaging the back of my head, as I tried to catch my breath and comprehend that Ren was actually kissing me. It was one of the rare ones, and more intense than any that had come before.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Sorry, it's been a little while. Holidays, you know. 

**Chapter 5**

Somehow we'd moved off the counter and down the hall a little ways before she tripped over me and we both fell to the ground. A quick laugh escaped my lips but Ren was quick to interrupt with her tongue. She climbed on top of me, putting me in a position of very little control. She'd become so domineering all of a sudden and I can't say I didn't enjoy it. But in the back of my mind I wondered when exactly she'd pull away and say 'let's watch a movie'. I knew it was coming.

As it happened, she didn't get the chance to freak on me-- the damned door-bell rang.

"What?" She said, pulling away from me with lightning speed. "You… you said your parents were out of town…"

"They are." I sat up. "It's probably some salesman."

"You should check. But don't open the door until you know who it is."

"Yes, mother," I got up and headed toward the door. Peering through the peep-hole I saw two boys, one tall and skinny with blonde surfer hair, and the other slightly shorter with a curly mat of brown hair. "It's Louis and Twitty."

"What? Why?" Ren stammered, checking herself in the hallway mirror.

"Well, because we're pretty good friends, they probably want to go to a movie or something."

Louis pressed the doorbell again. "Tawny! You in there?"

"I'm going to answer," I said, turning to find that Ren had already hidden herself. I shook my head and pulled open the door. "Hey guys."

"What's up?" Twitty asked. "We were going to get a bite at that place Tom was talking about the other day-- want to come?"

"Yeah, he says they have the biggest meat balls on the west coast." Louis added, as though that would have me sold. How little he knew…

"I can't tonight," I answered.

"You're parents are out of town, aren't they?"

"Yeah, but I have a ton of work to do. For school, and chores…I wanted to get most of it done tonight."

"Ah, come one… it's Friday night, Sunday is for homework and chores."

"Not for me," I shook my head. "Sorry boys, let me know how it is and maybe I can come next time."

"Suit yourself," Twitty shrugged. "Let's go, man, Tom said there might be a wait."

"Ok, just a second, I needed to talk with Tawny about something first. In private."

"Oh, right," Twitty nodded. "Well, make it quick. I'll wait out here."

"Is everything ok, Louis?" I asked as I shut the door.

"Well, I wanted to ask you to go with me to the Winter Formal. I know we're not really 'together' right now, but we always said we'd go if we didn't have dates, remember? And I don't, and you haven't mentioned anyone, so… what do you say?"

"Oh, um…" What could I say?

"It's not binding or anything," He laughed. "If someone else comes up let me know and you're free to go with him. Just give me a few days notice."

"Ok, alright, then. Sure."

"Sure?"

"Sure. Yes, I'll go with you."

"Great!" He clapped his hands together. "Ok, well, you're sure you don't want to come to dinner?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired too actually. I think I'll just stay in tonight. Go to bed early."

"On a Friday?" He sounded so amazed.

"Yes, on a Friday." I nodded, a little annoyed.

"Later," he smiled, giving me a brief kiss on the cheek and letting himself out. Leaning against the door I heard him and Twitty talking.

"Dude, did you ask her?"

"Yeah., she said she'd go with me."

"Sweet! Get her flowers, you know, you guys ended badly last time so if you want her back you're going to have to be real smooth. What's her favorite?"

"Oh, uh, roses I think?"

"Color?"

"There are different colored roses?"

"Dude,"

"Probably red. Everyone likes red, right?"

Their voices faded as they walked further from my porch and moments later I head a car start up.

I sighed, crossing my arms and turning to find Ren. To my surprise she was siting in the living room, with the window slid open a little. She'd been listening to everything too. She sat leaning toward the window, her shoulders rigid.

"Ren?" I set a hand on her back, but she was up and ten feet from me before I knew it.

"Why'd you say yes?"

"We're just friends, Ren, it's an agreement we made."

"Just friends? He wants you back!"

"That's out of my control."

"You shouldn't have said yes."

"Why not? Were you planning on taking me?"

"You don't even like dances!"

"That's not the point! Why do you have to go with him? It could've been any guy, Tawny! Lots of guys like you! You have to go with my brother?"

"We're just friends, I'll make that clear to him."

"He's going to ask you out again!"

"So? I don't have to say yes, Ren."

"You didn't have to tonight either."

"Ren," I groaned.  
"What? Am I supposed to be thrilled about this?"

"Ren, I know you're not taking me. If I don't go at all it might hurt his feelings, he'll know if I don't have a date."

"Go with someone else then!"

"Louis is the safest bet either way."

"I don't want you going with him. How about Tom? No, he won't do that if he knows Louis likes you. Someone else. I'll find someone else for you to go with. Maybe one of Amy's friends."

"You'd have me go with another girl?"

"No, of course not," she shook her head. "One of the gay guys."

"Ok, Ren, first of all, I'm not your property. I'll go to the dance with whoever I want. Second of all, I'm not going to go out with Louis again."

"You told me last time you went out with him you didn't really want to, you just felt bad saying no. How do I know you won't feel bad again? And he _kissed_ you!"

"On the cheek, Ren!"

"I don't care where, I don't want him kissing you! I don't want him dancing with you or touching you or anything! Please, Tawny…" her voice became suddenly pleading. "I'm not trying to be controlling I just don't want you with _him_… there are a million other guys… please don't go with my brother."

"You have nothing to worry about, Ren." I moved closer to her, slipping my arms around her waist.

She was breathing hard, angrily. "Don't go with him, please."

"Are you truly worried I'm going to leave you for a guy who is my 4-time ex-boyfriend and still doesn't know my favorite flower?"

She smiled a little.

"Add that to the fact that I'm not to thrilled he interrupted us."


	6. Chapter 6

AN: I can't say I'm liking the no reviews for the last chapter, perhaps no one realized I'd updated. I did get one I guess. Thank you, jumpy, was it? 

**Chapter 6**

After Louis left, Ren and I didn't resume our…play. Rather we watched a couple movies before going to bed, we talked awhile-- her slipping a 'don't go with him' in as often as she could. But I eventually made it very clear that there were only two ways I wouldn't go with him: 1) if he got another date-- which we both knew was unlikely since he apparently intended to win me back, and 2) If Ren took me instead.

Either way, all these events led me to postpone telling my parents. They also postponed yet another argument about Ren coming out, as I decided not to bring it up Sunday. She was stressed as is with the prospect of Louis's hands on me. I can't say that, as guilty as I feel for it, I wasn't a little thrilled at Ren's jealousy. I don't know what it is because I always say that jealousy isn't a good trait, or it's not something you look for in a lover… but for some reason, in this particular circumstance, I liked being the source of it. The feeling of being wanted, I guess, is what it comes down to.

I didn't know it then, but she had in fact told Ruby about us by that time. In fact, as she'd later explain to me, she went straight to Ruby's house on Sunday when she left. Here it is, as she told it to me:

_"I went to Ruby's after I left on Sunday because, well I didn't want you to go to the dance with Louis and Ruby's good at dealing with those sorts of situations. It was weird and took me awhile to get it out but I told her about me. It probably took half an hour, I was stammering like mad… and… well, when I'd first got there she immediately showed me a list of boys she'd compiled-- all perfect dates for me to go to Formal with, and I said: Ruby, there's sort of a reason I haven't dated anyone in awhile. And she said, 'You and Jason broke up years ago, Ren. You've got to be over it by now.' And I said: That's not it.' 'Well, what then?' 'It's just…this thing…I'm not…completely…I mean, I'm just not…interested…in them…those guys…guys…in general…actually' And she was totally cool with it, but she said I should hold off on telling Monique because she'd surely be less than ok with it. And then she said, 'Give me a day and I can find some girls for you, I'm sure I could' to which I replied, 'No thanks, most people don't know yet' 'Most people?' 'Well, you know Amy Johnson and her group-- all those gay-straight alliance kids, or the gay part of the alliance…they all know…and, someone else…I'm sort of involved with…' 'Oh my God! Who?' I didn't know what she'd think of me going with my brother's ex-girlfriend, and then coming to her with advice on how to keep them apart-- I look like the villain when you take the story at face-value, you know. 'Um, well…Tawny… Tawny Dean' 'Louis's Tawny!' That made me mad, her calling you that. 'Yes' 'Does he know?' 'No…and that's why I'm here, actually…and then I told her all of what happened and you agreeing to go to the dance with him…I needed help, I wanted advice… But I told her not to tell you that I knew, because I knew you'd try to get me to tell my parents if you knew I'd told her. And I wasn't ready for that. No matter how ready you were, or thought I was…"_

Anyway, little over a week later, on a Tuesday, with the dance just days away, I finally brought it up again. Ren had been going out of her way to spend time with me, unbeknownst to anyone else of course and I couldn't help but thinking that same old nagging thought-- if she _really_ wanted me, why wasn't she out of the closet yet? The more I thought about it, the more I understood why it would bother someone so much for their significant other to, in effect, date their sibling. And I realized that if I had a brother, I wouldn't want Ren dating him. I would do anything to prevent it, no matter how confident I may be about the relationship. But Ren would do only _almost_ anything. And so it became a thing of spite, and I told her that at one point. I said: "I get it, you don't want me with him. He's your brother, it'd be weird, awkward, whatever… I completely agree and if the tables were turned I'd do anything to keep you from dating my brother if I had one. But you won't. You're just hoping I won't do it, but you're not really going to fight for me. You know, maybe I _will_ say yes when he asks me out, too."

And the more I thought about it, the more I intended to do just that.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Ren scowled and marched off when I suggested saying yes to Louis. She didn't believe I'd actually do it, but she was more than a little upset that I'd even say such a thing. I had no sympathy for her whatsoever by this point though, and the fact that she could claim to be hurt by a comment and yet completely disregard the hurt I felt at the forced secrecy of our relationship only made me angrier.

Then came the day we'd all been waiting for, the day of the dance. I spent several hours getting ready for it, very out of character for me, who despises social activities of this sort. But I wanted to make sure Louis didn't change his mind, felt the need to bait him, so to speak. Not a shining moment for me, if I may say so. But anger can do strange things, the need for vengeance, however spiteful, can overwhelm even the most level-headed of us. Emotion somehow always overtakes reason. Such a notion is incredibly disconcerting to the more pragmatic among us, namely me. And Ren, for that matter. She's quite practical, though not so much as me. (On a normal day that is, don't take the events I'm unfolding here into account because as I've made clear I was acting out of anger, neglect, and a million other feelings swelling with in me. The girl was driving me mad!)

I didn't speak to Ren all of that day, and as I waited for my date to arrive, I wondered if she'd show up at the dance. It wouldn't have surprised me. She'd say it was to keep and eye on me-- which I would take as questioning my faithfulness, and therefore would take offence, even though I was going with her brother and intending to engage in a steadier relationship with him afterwards. So, I entirely fit the description for unfaithful, at least in my book, but that didn't give her the right to accuse me of it. In my confused, and angry opinion, anyway. This was my logic, no matter how irrational it may seem. What can I say? Emotions will be the death of me…

Soon enough the doorbell rang. I pulled the door open to find Louis, smiling, quite nicely done up, with a bouquet of red roses.

"Thanks," I said, as he gave them to me.

"Shall we?" he asked, in a mock gentlemanly voice.

"We shall," I replied, slipping my arm through his and heading out to his car.

He took me to dinner, Italian to be specific. Surprisingly he managed to get all his food in his mouth and not one speck of tomato sauce on his crisp white shirt. A truly impressing feat for Louis Stevens, let me tell you.

We arrived at the dance and things went basically as expected: lame music was played, bad punch was served…

And Ren was there.

She was bitterly sitting at the far end of the gym, not at all dressed up despite the 'formal' requirements. No doubt Wexler had let her in regardless. The man had actually switched school's to be her principal, it wasn't that extraordinary. She wore a maroon colored button up shirt and brown cords. She didn't move hardly at all throughout the evening. Her eyes seemed fixed on me, her chin resting in her hand, elbow resting on her crossed arms.

I wondered, if she planned to check my behavior… if I kissed Louis would she do anything? No, I assumed. She would complain to me later, but she certainly would not intervene.

I caught myself watching her so frequently, checking to see if she was watching me, I would tell myself, that I was surprised Louis never noticed. But then, I was wearing a red dress that I knew would have both of the Stevens' eyes glued to my figure, slight as it may be. They both had a strong attraction to red… it intrigued me from a psychological perspective.

As I've said before, I didn't know then that Ruby was aware of the situation between Ren and I, but looking back I noticed she was hovering around Ren, glancing in my direction and awful lot, whispering things to Ren. I hadn't thought anything of it, assuming ruby was just trying to get Ren involved or something. I remember thinking how strange Ren's behavior must've seem to everyone else.

Louis left to get punch and I took a seat at a table close to the center of the room. I made a deliberate effort to keep my eyes of Ren and concentrate, debate the decision that lay before me. Feeling a bit like Raskolnikov, teetering between emotions and decisions, I found myself torn on the Louis issue. If he asked me and I said yes, it would be out of spite. And not only was that possibly unnecessarily cruel to Ren, but it wasn't too nice to Louis either. But if I said no, Ren might just continue going about things the way we had been. And I couldn't have that. There had to be a change. And I had a very specific one in mind.

Suddenly, I heard Louis's voice on the microphone. "Excuse me, everyone…"

The room was silent.

"Thank you," He began in an old-man voice. "Some of you may remember years ago the time I broke up a wedding at a Sadie Hawkins dance to be with the girl I wanted, well today I came with that girl and so there's no need for that…" He got a few laughs and phased out the voice, resuming his normal one. "Anyway, Tawny Dean has been the object of my affection for sometime. As many of you may know, we were voted Cutest Couple in the 8th grade year book. Well, we haven't been together for awhile now and I would really like to fix that. So, I-- yes I am now getting to the point-- Tawny, I still love you, I always will, and I'd really love another chance with you. What do you say?" 

I managed to steal a glance at Ren, who remained wholly unmoving before the spotlight landed on me, though it seemed to me I could see her eyed burning.

Part of me couldn't refuse him, especially not in front of everyone like this. Part of me still wanted to hurt Ren. But part of me was battling full force against doing that to her. Did she really deserve it?

I can't remember exactly what the last thoughts that raced through my mind in the seconds between the light hitting me and my answer, all I know is what I said.

"Yes." 


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Sorry for those of you who are reading this, but I am busy. I _will_ still be updating though, so don't worry. And I won't lie, I feel more motivated to update when I get reviews. Reactions, suggestions, requests… anything. The more detailed, the better.

**Chapter 8**

Applause broke out on all sides, and I forced a smile as Louis jumped off the stage and rushed toward me. 4 times my ex, and he'd put me on the spot like that? Make a scene for everyone to watch? Wasn't it our private business? He didn't really know me at all. But then, Louis never made much of an effort to get to know people without regard to himself. I'm not trying to make him sound like a bad person or anything, but he has always been unbelievably self-centered. It takes a lot for him to do something for someone else if it doesn't in some way benefit him. He has his moments though, like the time he bought Ren's old stuffed monkey-thing with his garage sale money instead of the drums he wanted, and though I want to give him the benefit of the doubt—he's a smart guy, he can think ahead, he probably knew his parent's would reward him for his shining good deed.

But then, I'd learned a lot about Ren in the time I spent alone with her, things I never assumed. The movies and music she liked, for one, came as a bit of a shock. Ren's always had a certain air of superficiality, and I can say in all honesty I always assumed her to be a Britney Spears fan, or Avril Lavigne… maybe Good Charlotte. It turns out Jeff Buckley, Radiohead, Counting Crows, and Death Cab for Cutie were her current favorites. As for movies, her taste was especially interesting at times, and often very intense—sure, she constantly brought over _Romeo + Juliet_ and that was her favorite, but she'd come with strange rentals sometimes: lots of foreign films. _The Sea Inside_, _Der Untergang._ Or movies like _21 Grams_, _House of Sand and Fog_, _The Believer_, or the last time it wasn't _Romeo +_ _Juliet_, it was _Mystic River_—Not a date movie, let me tell you. She said her family, at least her dad and brothers didn't appreciate these films, they wanted action or stupid comedy. She liked watching them with me, with an intelligent audience she said. She liked to discuss them afterwards. When I initially asked her to pick up a movie before coming over the first time, I'd asked simply so we'd have something to do, you know, before easing into _other things_. I hadn't expected to have serious intellectual discussions and debates after half the films, we were supposed to make out or something, you know? That's what movies are for on dates! Not that I didn't enjoy our debates, it helped me learn a lot about Ren—her opinions, her beliefs, it gave her a depth I hadn't seen before and made her all the more attractive to me. It was like there were two sides to Ren—the 'perfect' side that everyone else saw (even her family only got this side) and the side she brought out with me. I learned about what she did for fun (and, shock of all shock, organizing things and planning them out wasn't it!). I learned how much she preferred silver to gold (I bought her a silver ring for her birthday, she always wore it—the one public display of affection I got). I learned, of course, all her political stances ( we didn't always see eye to eye there, me being a tad more liberal, but for the most part we were in agreement). I learned that, like me, she wrote in her spare time (not poetry, stories though she wouldn't let me read them… yet, she'd say).

I was drawn to Ren because she was smart and beautiful and mature, but there's plenty of people with those qualities. I fell in love with her for all her oddities: reading Shakespeare for fun, for hating mushrooms and pickles, for loving marzipan, for trying to study a page of Talmud every day and her inability to explain the point of that to me (I'm quite against religion, one of our differences), for remembering my love of white roses, for her addiction to Gilmore Girls (yeah, you can see that one, can't you?), for letting me try and teach her to snowboard, for everything that made her Ren for me, even if it wasn't Ren for anyone else.

Louis grabbed me, pulling me in for a quick kiss, the applause still encircling us. When he pulled away, and bowed to the crowd, I glanced around looking for Ren. But she was already gone, and a heavy feeling within told me I'd screwed things up this time.

After the dance, Louis and I headed to a party Twitty was throwing—his parents were out of town, and I was surprised to see Ren there as well. Ruby was arguing with her over something, quietly in the corner before Ren rushed away from her, angry.

Why go to a party after a dance? It's just extending the misery… I suppose some people like it though. Masochists.

I spent a good portion of the time debating how to break up with Louis (I was spared more PDA with him courtesy of the abundance of alcohol available). He was drunk in no time and I managed to persuade Tom to drive him home. The thought of Tom taking advantage of drunken Louis briefly flickered through my mind and I found myself laughing, rather hysterically. I had avoided the known alcohol, but apparently I'd managed to down some anyway. I stopped when I caught sight of Ren, in a corner making out with Amy. I suppose the heavy sinking feeling in my gut I experienced right then was a small taste of how she'd felt a couple hours before…

At that moment, the prospect of losing myself in a drunken oblivion was particularly attractive that evening, and so, I figured why stop now that someone got me started? It took several minutes to force my eyes off the two of them, and I made my way to the kitchen to get in on some of the booze.

In public! She was making out with Amy Johnson _in public_! She wouldn't even hold hands with me in public! It didn't occur to me then that Ren was likely heavily under the influence, and weighted down by the image of me and her brother.

This is where my memory starts to blur.

I started drinking, watching Ren with increasing envy. And the next thing I know I'm in a bedroom with someone. We're both drunk, I think. Laughing, undressing each other. Kissing, touching, all over. We're in bed, doing things I'd assumed would take years to get Ren to do, though the thought flashed through my mind—and this I remember clearly—she was probably with Amy in the next room doing the same thing! I took out all my aggression on the girl in bed with me then (nothing too violent, don't get the wrong idea). I think we both enjoyed it, but I'm not too sure. All the images from that night are hazy.

The next clear memory I have is the following morning. I'm lying in the bed next to someone; I can feel the body pressed against my back. It's definitely a woman's. I wonder if that's better or worse, as slight recollection of the previous night trickles into my head. Her slender arms are wrapped around me, our fingers are interlocked near the mattress edge.

As my vision focuses, I recognize a very familiar silver ring on the right hand…


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

The clock across the room read 8 and the first rays of sunlight were creeping into the room. Frozen with nerves, I didn't want to turn around. If I found Ren behind me… what would that mean? What would happen? Would she be angry? Had she been drunk? Of course she had! That was the only explanation for her, of all people, to engage in… _this_. This thing which I unfortunately had almost no memory of. Certainly no memory of Ren considering I apparently hadn't recognized her. Had we spoken at all last night? Or did we just hop straight into the sack? What could be said now? What would I tell Louis? Ah, who cares what I'd tell Louis… What could I say to Ren? And then yet another question entered my mind: What if it _wasn't_ Ren? What if it was just someone with the same ring? It wasn't one of a kind or anything. It was perfectly possible. But what were the odds? If I moved, would she wake up? If it was Ren, I didn't know if I wanted to wake her that way. Her potential reaction was a complete mystery to me and I found myself terrified of the possibilities.

My head throbbed, a combination of the thoughts barraging me at the moment and the hangover. I don't know how much I'd drunk the night before, but I was paying for it now.

What to do? What to do?

The girl behind me stirred, rolling away from me.

Next thing I know I was moving out of the bed, gathering my clothes, and dressing. I still hadn't looked at the girl, still hadn't confirmed her identity. But the clothes scattered with mine were recognizable to me. So I'd felt quite confident that it was Ren, I simply wasn't positive. Fully dressed, I was prepared to leave. Maybe she wouldn't have any more memory of what had happened than I did, maybe we could pretend it never happened. My hand rested on the handle, part of me wanted to leave without confirmation, feeling it'd make me a little more innocent. A stupid assumption.

I turned back and walked over to the bedside, inhaling deeply.

It was Ren.

The thought of staying, of waking her, briefly crossed my mind. But it left as quickly as it had come.

I reached down and pulled the covers over her exposed body. Brushing a lock of hair out of her face, I kissed her forehead lightly, and then I left.

Every step of the way I was tempted to turn back, but didn't. The number of guest bedrooms in Twitty's house was obscene. And it seemed couples were stumbling out of every room. All the guys grinning madly and girls either angry or goo-goo eyed like she'd found the love of her life.

Two guys emerged from one room, holding hands. It made me feel good to see another same-sex pairing present.

I managed to slip out of the house quickly, unnoticed by Twitty, who I was sure would question me if he found me still here. He knew Louis had gone, and it would look understandably suspicious if I'd stayed all night. He'd know I hadn't stayed alone. Of course, for all I knew someone had entered the room and seen the two of us lying there before I woke up.

My head still throbbing, I resolved to take care of the Louis situation before going home. I refused to put it off any longer.

He lived a few blocks from Twitty, so it didn't take long before I arrived at his house.

Nervously I pushed the doorbell, and a few seconds later Mr. Stevens opened to door. "Hello, Tawny, Louis told me the good news last night."

"Oh," I didn't know what to say.

"He got home pretty late, Tom brought him," he started, gesturing her to enter. "Clearly he'd tried to sober up before coming—but I was young once too, you know."

I smiled and nodded.

"He's so excited though, it's really great. You're the only one who can shape him up, I think. Get him to take things seriously."

"Where is Louis?" I asked.

"Oh he's still in bed. It's a Saturday—he probably won't be up until 2 at earliest probably."

Of course, I knew that. But I needed to get this done before Ren came home. "I need to talk to him about something. It's important."

The tone of my voice wasn't hiding anything and Mr. Stevens knew it. "Listen, Tawny, don't do this to him now. You just got back together, give him a chance. I know he's a bit immature for you, but he loves you."

_He loves you_. Why?

"I…I don't love him, Mr. Stevens… I'm sorry."

"Why would you say yes to him then? You girls don't know what it's like for boys… the lengths we go to, to win you over."

"I went to the dance with him as friends. He asked me in front of everyone, I didn't want to humiliate him."

"But you've no trouble doing that now?"

"I'm in love with someone else?"

He smiled, a little maliciously. "You think you can do better than a Stevens?"

"No, I don't."

"Then why try?"

"Because… I know I can do better than _Louis_ Stevens."

He suddenly burst out laughing. "You have a crush on Donny? Tawny, that's never going to happen. He's in Texas and he's got a serious girlfriend. You'd be too young for him anyway. Honestly, I'd never have guessed."

"No," I said, feeling moved by a force outside of me. "I can do better than Donny Stevens too."

"Me?"

"What? No."

The smile fell from his face. "Ren?"

I didn't say anything.

Just then Ren stumbled in through the front door, holding her head.

"Get out of my house," Steve snarled at me.

"I.."

"Go. Now."

Ren entered the kitchen, startled to see me. I hoped to God didn't pick up on it.

"Tawny…what are you doing here?"

"She came to talk to Louis. But she's leaving now."

I turned and walked to the door.

"Hey, Tawny," Eileen greeted me as she came down the stairs and headed into the kitchen. "Ren, where were you last night? Louis came home, but you didn't. That's never happened before."

I closed the front door behind me and ran home. Wanting more than anything to be alone in my room.

A/N: Ah yes… it seems one of you shares my mind. 


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Just a shorty. :)

**Chapter 10**

I spent the rest of the weekend alone, confined to my house. I took no calls, no one came to see me. However, with Monday came school and I couldn't avoid people so easily there. And of course with my luck, the exact people I wanted to avoid were the ones I'd run into. This I predicted. But then, I told myself, it's better to get things over with than to dwell on them. And dwell on them I most definitely would if not forced to confront the issues at hand.

First, there was Louis. He located me quite quickly, taking the simplest tact—hovering by my locker. He tried to kiss me, got the cheek. I told him we needed to talk, somewhat disappointed that Steve hadn't informed him of my confession, a little surprised as well.

"What is there to talk about?" he asked. "We _just_ got together, I can't have already screwed it up."

"No, no… it's not you, it has nothing to do with you, Louis."

"Then what?"

"I just…" Should I tell him the whole truth? It could be fine, but it could be horrible. "I don't want to get back together with you."

"What?" He almost snapped, but checked himself. "What do you… why'd you say yes then?"

"Because you asked me in front of everyone… I didn't want to humiliate you."

He sighed angrily, planting his hands on his hips. "Why not?"

"Why not what?"

"Why won't you give me another chance?"

"Louis,"

"What? I deserve another chance, don't I? I've made some mistakes, I know that…" Was he even going to let me explain?

"I'm not interested in you, Louis." I said, growing a little impatient with him. "Not as anything more than a friend."

"You're not?" He sounded truly shocked at this. How could anyone not be interested in him? I mean, he's immature, obnoxious, a little self-centered, gets very jealous... yes, a regular Prince Charming.

"No, I'm not." I stated firmly.

"Is there someone else?" He asked.

I hesitated and, as if on cue, Ren came round the corner at the end of the hall.

My hesitation proved enough of an answer for him. "Well? Who is it? Is it Zach? Because…"

"Zach? Louis I've never been into him, ever… how many times do I have to explain that to you?"

"Well, who then?"

"I didn't even say there was someone else."

"There is."

"How would you know?"

"There is," he persisted. "You wouldn't be beating around the bush otherwise."

I could tell him the same thing I told Steve. It didn't _incriminate_—and I use that word in its loosest context—Ren, and it lifted a weight from my shoulders. "I can explain if we go somewhere more private."

He raised his eyebrow. "Ok. There's an empty classroom right here." He gestured across the hall. We went, peered in to make sure it was empty, and shut the door behind us.

"Ok, who is it?"

I sighed deeply. "It's… Ren."

"Ren? Wait, you mean like _Ren_? My sister? Are you joking? 'Cause it's really not funny."

"I'm serious."

There was an awkward silence, as I suppose is appropriate given the situation, though it seemed to last far too long. But the bells didn't ring, so it must've only been several seconds, a minute or two at most.

"So you… you're like…a lesbian."

I hated that word, I hated having a name for it at all really. People are never like ' So you're a straight person'. The label 'straight' is usually irrelevant unless on the topic of those of us who aren't.

"What about Ren?" He asked next.

Startled, I wasn't quite sure how to answer this one.

"Does she know?"

Oh, not is she…a lesbian…also, but does she know that I'm in love with her? Well, when I told her she threw it back in my face and she probably doesn't believe that I still do now…

"Tawny?"

"Yeah, no I haven't told her."

He nodded. "You wouldn't want me to mention it then."

"No," I replied, again caught off guard by his reaction. "Are you…I mean, you don't seem… are you upset?"

"Upset? A little. I mean, you know you always think the two worst things would be if your girlfriend fell in love with either another girl, or your brother or best friend. Here I just got both in one fell swoop. But, if that's how you feel… what can I do?"

I smiled. "Really?" I hadn't expected this mature a reaction from the King of Immaturity himself.

He smiled back. "Yeah, I mean, if Ren suddenly hops out of the closet and you guys started dating, I'll be a little weirded out but that'll never happen," he laughed. "I mean, not to disappoint you or anything…"

"No, no, I know," He was probably right, I thought. But if she did, would he really have a problem with it then?

"Ok, well… since we're done here…I'm going to meet Twitty—we're going to the beach this afternoon." He said, seemingly unaffected. Yeah, he was really head-over-heels in love with me… Probably just lonely, wanted a girlfriend. Or he's just too lazy to fight. He knows Ren's the one who's good at everything, she's the one that always wins.

"Cutting again?" I asked, knowing the answer.

He shrugged. I rolled my eyes. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and headed out the door.

I paused a few moments, reflecting on what had come to pass, and imbued with a new confidence. I turned and left the room, and managed to walk straight into Ren, knocking all of her books to the ground and dropping a couple of my own.

"Sorry," I said under my breath.

She didn't look at me. "No problem," she knelt and began picking up the books and a few pieces of paper that had been pressed between them.

I knelt to help. "We need to talk."

She didn't say anything, only sorted her materials.

"Ren," I pressed.

"Maybe later," she said, rising to her feet and quickly walking away. She never looked at me during the whole exchange, not once.

Shortly after she'd departed, the bell for class rang. I headed down the hall contemplating what exactly I wanted to talk with Ren about… breaking up with Louis, the odd of getting another shot with her, telling her dad and Louis about me… or the other night?

Suddenly, someone grabbed my arm and yanked me behind the stairwell.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Sorry about the wait, life interfered. I feel bad because this is not a very good update, it's very short and you all seemed so excited as to 'who pulled Tawny behind the stairs?' So, I hope it's not too much of a let down. I'll try to post the next chapter after this one soon, possibly this weekend still so you need not worry for a long time before anything interesting happens.

**Chapter 11**

"We need to talk," Ruby stated, matter-of-factly as she pulled me behind the stairwell.

I can't say I wasn't surprised at the ambush of sorts, having absolutely no idea what Ruby could've wanted with me. "About what?"

"Ren," she replied.

I hesitated. "What about Ren?"

"I know."

"You're being very cryptic." In all honesty I didn't know what she wanted even now; Ren was her best friend and the potential issues concerning her were many.

"I know about the two of you; Ren told me."

I didn't know what to say. How could Ruby know?

"She told me a week before the dance about you two, she wasn't exactly clear. I mean, I got the gist of it all—she was hysterical. She didn't want you to go to the dance with Louis and she wanted my advice. I didn't exactly come through. But, I mean, the way she described you two… I was shocked you'd say yes to Louis, I mean… Ren said you told her you loved her and, if you really did...how could you do this to her?"

I struggled to get my mind around everything she was saying. She knew? Ren had told someone?

"Well?" Ruby persisted.

"I…it's not…you _know_?"

"Yes," she glared at me. "I know. And it made a lot of things clear. I'd, in all honestly, suspected Ren of it already and when she told me about you… she just… lit up. I know it's cliché and all, but I don't know how to describe it otherwise. You… you shattered her."

_Shattered_? That's a strong word for it… Was she really? "I need to talk with her, Ruby. Everything with us is just… it's really messed up right now."

"And what do you intend to do, Tawny?"

She was taking a very harsh tone with me, and I can't say I cared for it. But I didn't hold it against her—she was Ren's best friend and cared for her and from her view I'd treated Ren quite poorly. So I accepted it. After all, I was floating inside—Ren was truly upset and that meant she really cared.

"Tawny!" She snapped, crossing her arms.

"Sorry, Ruby. I don't know," I said lamely. "I'll figure something out. I don't want things to be this way between us. Trust me."

"Do you love her?"

It didn't seem too far-fetched a question for the circumstance, but still I didn't anticipate it. It was something to discuss between myself and Ren, third parties weren't relevant in this area of the relationship. "Yes… I do."

"Then why…"

"Louis is my friend… I didn't want to humiliate him in front of everyone and I wasn't too happy with Ren at the moment… but I've already broken things off with Louis. I told him about me. And I told Steven, for the matter. They both know that I like Ren. They know nothing about her and based on Steve's reaction to my news…"

"Ok, I get it. I'm good at these things," she finally smiled. "So, what are we going to do?"

"_We_?"

"Yes, you clearly need all the help you can get," she started. "I can probably get her to talk to you. She's really upset, but I think I can work some magic."

"Thanks Ruby, but I'd really like to see if I can talk to her myself first. I'll ask you if I need help, ok? But please, don't talk to Ren yet."

"Are you sure?" She sounded disappointed. It'd been awhile since she'd had any good relationship issues to work things out. "I'm really good at fixing these types of problems. I'm the best."

"I'm sure. I need to handle this. If Ren and I are ever going to work in a real relationship, we need to learn to talk to each other." As I said this, I gained a new confidence. I was ready to fix things.

"That _is_ true," She conceded.

"Alright, I'm going to go," I smiled and started out from the stairwell.

"Hey Tawny," she stopped me.

"Yeah?"

"I think you two could be really great together; you really should try and make it work. You could be really good for her. I mean, it seems like you already have been."

"I am planning to try and work things out, but what do you mean I've been good for her? You've only known for a week."

"Ren's been… different… for quite awhile. She's been happy. Until lately where she's been utterly depressed. But she's been really happy for the most part and now that I know about you two—I can't help but give you the credit. I don't know if Ren's ever really been happy before, you know? She's all about productivity and work and getting things done… she doesn't allow herself much time to enjoy the other things in life. But she does with you and that's been really good for her."

I smiled. "She's been good for me so I hope I've given her something at least."

"Ok, well, go get her back," Ruby ordered, gesturing for me to leave, which I did.

It was an interesting encounter for me, to say the least. To learn that Ren had told someone, that she was truly distraught over our situation, that I'd possibly made her happier than she'd ever been…ever the skeptic it was hard for me to accept all of this as more than just setting me up for a fall, but it really seemed there was hope for us yet.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Ren made it a point to avoid me most of the day. She was very smooth about it too. I would try and gesture at her, or get close to her, and she'd always slip out in the knick of time in such a way that anyone else would assume she truly hadn't noticed me in my efforts. But I knew. I did manage to meet her eyes once and that brief moment confirmed for me her strong desire to stay as far away from _me_ as possible.

But I wasn't going to let her off the hook that easy. I'd made that mistake already.

At lunch time the next day, I found her near the doorway of the crowded cafeteria, about to leave. She'd be going to the library to work on her senior project. She'd been doing so for months and considering how seriously she took school matters, I'd doubt she was done already. She hadn't told me what her project was ever, only that it would take a very long time if she wanted it to be any good. And Ren doesn't ever want things to just _be any good_, she _needs_ them to be _perfect_. I also had the beneficial knowledge of exactly where in the library she liked to study, as it was one of the few places she'd ever allowed me to get close to her in school. In fact, it was there that we had our first kiss…

I ate lunch with her there, in the library, that day. We'd been together for about two weeks and this was the first time she'd given in to my constant pressuring her to let me eat with her. Honestly, eating lunch with someone is hardly putting up a red flag, I don't know why she was, and still is, so adamant about avoiding public appearances even platonic ones at al costs. Anyway, during this two weeks we'd had four 'dates'—I use this term loosely since I consider going out, generally in public, an important part of a date and ours were more just hanging out in my room, watching a movie. The same stuff I did with Louis and Twitty, as friends, I did with Ren. The only difference was I'd sit closer to Ren. Now, she usually gave me a little peck on the cheek or something before she left, but that was it. Our first _real_ kiss was in the library that day.

I came in a little later than her, and sat across from her. She was noticeably nervous, constantly glancing around to see if anyone was coming, if anyone would see. It was a table in the very back of the library, in a rather secluded corner. Quite private and rarely used by anyone other than Ren; but of course at this moment, when I was sitting across the table, a good three and a half feet away, eating, a crowd would show up and they'd be able to tell, possibly from the way I was holding my sandwich, that we were in fact, more than just friend. I'm never going to understand the logic behind some of her fears.

But anyway, we were sitting across from each other and she was working on her project—scribbling something down in a notebook and refusing to let me see the contents. Quickly glancing around, out of respect for her fears, I made sure no one was around, then I got up and pulled a chair closer to her. "Come on, let me see."

"What? No, not now," She replied, flustered. "Go back to the other side."

"Why? No one's back here, Ren."

"You've been bugging me to let you come here all week, and now I let you, and you just have to push for more…"

Hmm…story of our relationship… very perceptive.

I argued. "Who's going to see us? Even if someone did, we're not doing anything remotely suggesting that we're…"

"Stop, Tawny, come on." She didn't seem too thrilled with me. But I, nevertheless, decided not to stop.

"What are you worried someone will hear me say something? Say _it_?"

"Tawny,"

"That maybe not friends… or not _just_ friends…"

"Tawny please," she persisted.

"I'm whispering too, so who's going to hear me? I could talk louder…like this." I raised my voice to a tone loud enough that it could be heard possibly at the other end of the room if there weren't so many bookshelves blocking the sound.

"Tawny!" She snapped at me this time, in a harsh whisper.

I just laughed at her. She was freaking out, but she wasn't really angry with me. Otherwise I would've stopped. She knew I meant no harm and was just messing around, so, as much as it bugged her, she took it.

However, when I raised my voice just a little louder, with the intention of making a still pretty quiet announcement that Ren Stevens was my girlfriend, she cut me off…with a kiss.

I was running this memory of a more pleasant time through my mind as I entered the library and, covertly as possible, made my way to the back corner, where I assumed she would be.

I stopped a little short of the small open area where her table would be, and peered through the bookshelf before it to make sure she was there. She was.

Taking a deep breath, I stepped out from behind the shelf, meeting her slightly startled gaze head on.

She stared at me for a few seconds, and it seemed as though I couldn't move as long as she did, like she was holding me there with her eyes. But then she cast them down at the table's smooth surface, closing her notebook and setting it down in front of her.

I took the seat across from her and she simply kept her eyes fixed on the table.

Not quite sure where to start, I just thought I'd deliver what I hoped would be a little good news first. "I explained things to Louis… so we're… we're not together anymore."

I think I heard a faint grunt escape her, but for the most part she remained silent.

"I told him that I only said yes because everyone was watching and I didn't want to embarrass him."

Still nothing.

"I told him… and I told Steve, actually… that I… had a crush on you."

Now her head jerked up, her eyes suddenly ablaze with what could only be described as complete terror.

"Just me." I swiftly added. "I told them about me. Not you."

She sighed with relief.

I decided to give her a few moments to respond but she opted for silence still.

So I continued. "I talked with Ruby yesterday…"

I'd hoped this would prompt a response. It did not.

"She said you told her about…us."

Now she looked up again.

I waited for her to speak.

Her lips parted a little, and I thought maybe she'd finally say something. But I was wrong.

So finally I decided to play my wild card. I moved over to her side of the table and pulled up a chair real close to her. She didn't look too happy about it, but she didn't object either. "So, after the dance I saw you at that party…" I paused, giving her a moment to interject that she did not use. "I got pretty drunk." Pause again. "I slept with someone." Her eyes flickered. I continued: "I don't know how drunk she was, if at all."

She shifted uneasily in her seat and I figured that one of three things was possible: 1) She remembers that night full well, 2) She remembers that she also slept with someone and she now suspects it was me, or 3) She has no memory of that night at all (though how you could wake up in someone else's bed naked after a party and not at least consider you'd had sex is beyond me). I personally had a feeling it was the second.

"Ren, say something, please."

She hesitated for what seemed an eternity before finally speaking. "There's nothing to talk about."

Not the response I'd hoped for. "What do you mean?"

"You gave up on me, Tawny," She mumbled, almost inaudibly.

"What? No I…"

"You gave up on me and you're… the one person I needed not to do that. But you did. In a very big way."

"I don't understand."

"You never do," she said, rising from the table. "But that's never been particularly important to you either."

I couldn't speak, and I can't now even begin to describe the feeling twisting in my chest at that moment.

She gathered her things and started to walk a way.

"Wait," I managed, and she stopped but didn't look back at me. "Give me another chance, Ren. Please."

She didn't move, didn't speak.

"We're perfect and you know it," I struggled to get the words out of my mouth, the fear that she was really leaving me for good so strong now that I was having trouble keeping my tears from falling. "I will not give up on you again if you don't give up on us now."


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:** You guys are lucky-- you get3 updates out of me in like 4 days. I was tempted to hold this chapter until I got more reviews, but I decided to give it to you and just hope for some detailed long reviews on all 3 chapters instead. It'll probably be at least a week before another update, but you never know, I couldn find inspiration sooner. Really, it all depends on how exciting my spring break is. :) Thanks to every one who has been reviewing, they are very much appreciated.

**Chapter 13**

How many eternal moments do I have to go through with Ren? She was considering my offer, weighing the pros and cons. She didn't move forever it seemed. And then the bell rang, still she stayed standing there, uncertain—or perhaps her mind was already made up…how would I know?

Suddenly she turned around and came over to my side of the table. She stayed a few feet from me though. I remained seated, overcome with nerves as she stood towering above me. "What did my dad say when you told him about you?"

"What?" I choked, so ready to burst into tears. "Oh, I, uh… he wasn't very happy about it… he told me to get out of his house."

She looked down at the table.

"Ren?" I couldn't bear these silent responses, I needed to know her answer.

"I think he'd do the same to me," she said flatly, not looking up at me.

"You're his daughter…"I muttered. "It's different."

"I don't know if it is."

"Ren…"

"He may kick me out of the house," she continued. "Or disown me."

"He wouldn't--"

"He might," she cut me off. "He's said so before. He was talking about Louis, and this was when all the gay marriage stuff was headline news, he said something like 'the only way you could ever completely disappoint me was if you became one of those fags and married a man. Hell, then you wouldn't be my son.' And my mom, who is all for gay marriage was like 'what do you mean he wouldn't be your son, of course he would' and he said 'I'd disown him. Stevens are faggots.' Well, I'm a Stevens and I'm a faggot."

"He might not be too happy about it but Eileen probably wouldn't let him go so far…"

"She doesn't have to _let_ him."

"I know but--"

"Well, Ren Stevens," Larry Beale popped out from behind a bookshelf and approached us. "I never knew."

My eyes went wide, but Ren didn't move at all in body or expression.

"This is certainly interesting news—student body president comes out of the closet? I think it warrants a headline in the school paper. I might have to see what I can do," He scracthed his chin in mockthoughtfulness. "You know at that party the other night I saw you making out with some chick, other people did too, but everyone just figured it was because you were drunk and apprently I was the only one who thought you making out with a girl was bigger news than you getting drunk in the first place. But everyone else was just so shocked that 'Ren Stevens consumed alcohol.'"

I tried to think of something to say to him, this was none of his business, but nothing came to mind. Nothing I said would faze him, I figured.

"Larry, can you just go," Ren finally said. "Do whatever you want. I don't care."

"You don't care? You've got a problem as serious as this, and you don't care?" Larry started, in honest shock. "That's not like you."

"You don't know me very well, Larry," she mumbled. "So please, just go away."

"What? That's all you have to say?" He almost yelled, but checked himself, being in a library after all.

"Yes, that's all I have to say," Ren maintained, looking over at him imploringly.

"Oh I see," He said, a smile creeping onto his face. "You just want some alone time with your little girlfriend here."

She sighed, frustrated. But, as I took note, she didn't deny me as her girlfriend. Probably me reading too much into it, but still…

He moved closer to her. "I could make you a deal."

Honestly, I thought he was going to ask us to let him watch us have sex. I don't quite understand what it is with guys interest in that.

"Larry," she protested.

"You have sex with me, and make her watch," he explained, pointing to me.

"What? No fucking way!" That was the first time I ever heard Ren swear. I think it was the first Larry heard it too, because he seemed quite shocked at her response. I couldn't help but smile a little, though my eyes were still full of tears and my heart was thumping away in my chest at unrelenting full speed.

Larry was speechless. Had he really thought she'd agree to that though? And why the hell did I need to watch?

When he finally did speak again, it was in a much quieter, and very defeated, tone. "Hey, I was just seeing what I could get," he shrugged. "How about you give me the editorship of the paper, or the presidency—not both, just one. Unless you want to give both, then feel free. But I'm being reasonable this way, I think."

"Why should I give--"

"Just think about it, Ren," he started. "You've been hiding it so long for a reason—it's going to be your downfall. And I could work it out to be your father's fall too. My mom is his boss and she's more disgusted by _you people_ than anyone I know. And you know I'll embellish how I found this information out to everyone I tell it. I'll be graphic and it'll be scandalous. It'll humiliate your family—especially your father."

As resilient as she'd seemed to be with him, at this she crumbled. She would not be her father's greatest disappointment and though I seriously doubted how much power Larry had to do any of this, she wouldn't risk it. "I'll resign as president."

His smiled broadened. "Good, I'm glad we've come to an agreement. We'll get it settled after school." He started to leave but stopped. "And just so you know, my secrecy in this matter only exists as long as I don't have to see you people. If I walk in on you again, you'll be giving me the editorship to keep me quiet."

We remained in silence for a while after her left. I wasn't sure how to broach the crucial subject he'd so rudely interrupted.

Ren finally sat down, resuming her seat from before I began the brief sequence of interruptions. "The administration is going to want and explanation. It's not common for someone to just hand over the power to someone else. In fact, I don't think you can do it. But it's Larry and he's probably been counting on this... he probably has something worked out."

I didn't say anything. She didn't seem to be really addressing me, more talking to herself.

"And if I get into Harvard or Yale… they'll want to know why I gave up the post half way through the year…" she paused briefly, and muttered: "It could very well make them not accept me."

No one was more cut out for the Ivy League than Ren and suddenly dropping positions in student government, especially the presidency, was bound to raise a few eyebrows. Those at the Harvard and Yale admissions offices were the last people she'd want to do that. It was what she'd bee working for all her life. Nothing would devastate her more that the idea that she wasn't good enough for them. Everyone knew she was, of course, but if she was rejected she'd take it personally. And this wasn't a good move to make. For Larry, it was great. If the administration let him just take over it'll look like he's a hero who stepped in as soon as he was needed, when the first president couldn't fulfill her duties he came to the rescue. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to with us.

"Tawny?" She asked, apparently noticing that I'd zoned out.

"Yeah?" I replied, startled for her to address me at all.

"I...I don't...well...it's..." she looked at me, a very strange look-- aching and lost and lonely come to mind but none of those words hit it exactly. She leaned over and kissed me. It was a soft, gentle kiss, not very long. Barely an inch from my face she said, very calmly and very sweet, like she really, really didn't want to hurt me: "I want you to know that I love you... but I don't think it's a good idea for us to get back together."

And with that she got up and quicklywalked away, leavingme sitting there, shellshocked.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:** Not much happens here, just moving the story along. A filler chapter, if you will.

**Chapter 14**

After she disappeared around the bookshelves, I couldn't find the strength to move—her words still sinking in. I knew then that we were over. I'd made my offer and she'd rejected it, and I could keep trying but somehow I sensed it would be fruitless. I wasn't destined to win her back. If we were ever to have another go at romance it wouldn't be either of our own doing. I'd played all my cards and Ren had played hers, Fate's was the only concealed hand.

Maybe it was something in her tone that resulted in my complete resignation. She didn't think we should get back together… she loved me…but she didn't want to be with me anymore. We were done. We'd had our shot, I'd screwed it up, and that was that.

Eventually I managed to move out of the library and finish the school day. Lifelessly going through the motions, I spoke to no one and kept to myself. I didn't understand how she could tell me she loved me but didn't want to be with me… though the more I thought about it, I had seemed ready to break things off earlier, when her stubbornness regarding her coming out couldn't be altered. And I had loved her then, as much as I did now.

That day, my personal Black Day, I came out to my parents. They were supportive, as I'd expected them to be. So far, Steve Stevens was the only person who hadn't been. And he was he one who really could've changed the course of everything. Funny how things that seem so insignificant, such as the solitary opinion of a man, can make all the difference in the world.

Louis confronted me a few days later, noticing my somber mood (he could be aware of others' feelings, it just usually took a few days for him to notice—persistence was necessary if you were to become important enough for him to take his mind off a personal problem and ask about it).

"Is anything wrong?" He asked, thoughtfully enough.

I shook my head, remembering what he'd said about if Ren actually came out and we hooked up…Part of me always anticipated telling Louis about Ren and I, as I'd never really thought about us ending, but now it seemed unnecessary knowledge for him. The relationship between Ren and I would remain confidential, as she'd always wanted, and others were informed of it strictly on a need-to-know basis.

One negation of the indescribable pain inside of me was all it took to get him off my back. Twitty was the same way. Tom was the only one who seemed convinced that something was up—he continued to ask me if everything was ok nearly everyday for two weeks before giving up.

Amy found out what had happened, probably from Ruby—both of them gossip-mongers.

"Hey, Tawny," she approached me one day, nearly three weeks after my Black Day. "I heard about you and Ren."

I remained silent, not feeling the need to confirm.

"I can imagine how much you must be hurting… she's probably not doing too good either…" she began explaining her own "first true love" and its tragic demise.

I did not want to hear this right now; she probably figured that I'd had three weeks to really take it in and be in that place where I wasn't ready to talk with anyone, blah blah blah… but she apparently thought I was ready now and I wasn't. Truthfully, I didn't feel like I'd ever be. I didn't see what good would come from discussing it with anyone else—I know that sounds strange coming from the daughter of two psychiatrists, but it's how I feel. There are some things you can't really talk about, some things other people won't really understand or at least won't be able to help in anyway. Saying all of it out loud would only force me to relive it and I couldn't do that.

When I finally tuned back into Amy's monologue, she's shifted the focus from herself to me. Apparently, she wanted me to participate in a double-date.

"So anyway, I think it would be really good for you to come. Stacy is a sweet girl, very smart, and she's liked you for a long time. But she knows the situation, with you and Ren I mean, so there's really no pressure, she doesn't mind being a rebound girl. She doesn't think it matters. It would just be a good way to get out and have some fun, you know? You could really use it."

"Stacy Morris?"

"Yeah."

I thought a moment. Stacy Morris was a pretty girl, blonde hair, slightly curled, with soft gray eyes. Blondes aren't at all my 'type' but she'd always managed to catch my eye. I hadn't talked with her much but if Amy said she was smart, she must be… Amy actually has a pretty high bar as far as intelligence was concerned. She wouldn't hesitate to tell you if someone was just average or a complete idiot.

I took a deep breath. "Why not?"

It couldn't hurt to try and Amy was probably right, it would be good for me. Ren wasn't an option anymore so I had to pursue a new path no matter how much I might not want to; it had to be done. Stacy seemed just a good a place as any to start the healing process.

The date went very well, though I had a hard time not thinking of Ren. Everytime Stacy took my hand, or touched me at all, I felt like… I don't know, like I was cheating or something. In my heart I was cheating Ren, but in my mind I was cheating Stacy—a girl who liked me, who probably put a lot of thought and energy into this evening, who I felt nothing for, who I knew I felt nothing for, who I'd lead on to think I was really giving her a chance.

She asked me out again for Valentine's Day, which was only a week away at this point. I agreed to go. She had asked in front of Amy, and the latter's prodding gaze had forced me to say yes. She only wanted to help and I appreciated it, even if I didn't really think it was working.

I could understand how in theory this was a necessary 'step' to getting over Ren, but I didn't understand how it was working. Stacy was pretty, but not like Ren. She was smart, but not like Ren. She was interesting, but not like Ren. Ren was perfect in my eyes. Perfection is not easily achieved but Ren had done it. At least for me she had. But that goes with that saying:_ No one is perfect until you love them_.

The only thing wrong with Stacy was that she wasn't Ren.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: **The truth is I _do_ have more important things to do with my time than write Even Stevens fanfiction, but I enjoy writing this story and enjoy hearing back from my readers-- so this is a big **thank you** to those of you who review regularly! Thank you, thank you, thank you! To any lurking readers-- trust me, I will update much more frequently the more reviews I get. I'm not inclined to update if I don't get any feedback-- both positive and negative (hopefully no 'this story sucks' but 'you could dosuch-and-such better' or 'such-and-such doesn't seem believeable' constructive criticism, you know. The best reviews, either good or bad, are detailed ones, not just the ol' 'great job! update soon!' or 'ya suck, yer a fag'...though they don't have to be very long, just explicit...let me know what you like, what you don't, your reactions...make this worth my while maybe). Anyway, thanks again to the regular reviewers! Now, onto the next chapter...

**Chapter 15**

As hard as I tried I couldn't force myself to be attracted to Stacy, but nevertheless I stayed with her. She was a nice girl and I wasn't at all interested in going back to my pre-Ren, one-night-stand days, or dating a bunch of people who bored me to death. She would have to do. She would do. I don't know how many times I had to repeat this to myself. We spent most of the time together at school and I was running out of imaginary after-school activities and chores I had to do to keep her from coming over every day. Sweet as she was, she was a little clingy—not that Ren hadn't been possessive.

Anyway, Valentine's Day arrived and we went on our second 'official' date. Just the two of us this time, no Amy present to observe my behavior.

"This place s really nice, Stacy," I said as we entered the restaurant she'd chosen. It was a slightly upper-scale Italian place downtown. I'd wanted to go there for a long time, but it was pricy and, well, Ren wouldn't take me out in public. I figured the night would go smoothly, Stacy talking and me feigning to listen, and all with Italian food—my favorite. Ren knew that.

One weekend, when her parents were our of town for their anniversary, and Louis was on a trip with Twitty, Ren had invited me over and surprised me with a romantic candlelit dinner for two. Terribly cliché , but sweet, and all Italian. She made it for me herself. And I noticed her deliberate efforts to use Garlic as minimally as possible—always a good sign. Now that I think about it, I believe that night included our second kiss…

"Well, it's Valentine's Day, you have to go all out…" Stacy smiled, kissed me lightly on the cheek.

The waiter led us to our table and seated us. Nothing on the menu seemed reasonably priced, and I decided that even if Ren had been willing to take me out in public, she'd never have taken me here, unless it was a very special occasion. We both agreed that Valentine's Day wasn't special, it wasn't personal at all. It was another surprise from her as far as I was concerned. She seemed like the kind of girl who'd get all gushy about things like Valentine's Day, you'd think one as conventional as her would, but no. She thought it was the worst day to show someone how much you loved them because there's no surprise, it's like 'it's Valentine's Day so you have to do something romantic' as opposed to 'hey, it's Tuesday I think I'll surprise her with something romantic'.

Here Ren would be complaining all the while about how overpriced it was—which may seem like an annoyance, and I'm sure it would be at the time, it's really one of those things you miss in someone when they're no longer yours. You miss every little thing about them, even those things which aggravated you to the extreme.

Dinner went as expected and afterwards, we went for a walk through the city park. We were strolling arm-in-arm, Stacy babbling on about something or other, when my eyes locked with Ren's.

She was sitting on a bench, under the streetlight, reading—a strange choice of locations for the activity at this hour, but I digress—she'd looked up from her book just in time to see me there with Stacy. Though I can't imagine what she'd expected me to do after she told me there was nothing in store for us, she seemed shocked to see me there with someone, with another girl, obviously on a date.

I stopped in my tracks, quickly pulling my gaze from her, lest Stacy follow it. I regained composure and next thing I know, I'm pulling Stacy in for a passionate kiss. I can be so vindictive I make myself sick, and it happens almost unconsciously.

Stacy said something after I pulled away but I didn't hear her, I was checking Ren for her reaction.

She was walking in the opposite direction, quickly, one hand tightly gripping her book and the other rubbing the back of her head. She glanced back at me for a second and I could see that she was feeling the same gut-wrenching pain that I was. And I hurt ten-times worse than before knowing I'd done that to her.

I don't think Stacy ever saw Ren there, and the rest of the date when quite well, ending oh-so-conventionally with her dropping me off on the front porch.

The next day at school, however, Ren approached me.

I can't say I wasn't startled, she rarely talked to me in public when we were going out and even less so after the Black Day.

"What are you doing?" She asked, angrily.

"What are you talk--"

"You and Stacy Morris." She mumbled.

"What about it?" I replied, equally weak in tone and mood as her.

"I thought… I mean…" she struggled to find the words before regrouping and lashing out at me. "You're pretty fucking fast, Tawny."

I didn't say anything. She swore again… and she was talking to me.

"And you saw me there last night and you… you…kissed…her. You did it in front of me. Why would you do that to me?" Her voice cracked, and I could tell she wanted to break down right there, but she held herself together.

"I'm sorry, Ren. I didn't mean to," I can't begin to imagine how lame I must've sounded.

"You didn't mean to?" she didn't buy it for a second.

"No, I did…at the moment…I… I don't know why I did it, Ren. I saw you and I was really…upset all of a sudden and so I kissed her. I… I did. I wanted to hurt you right then, but I regretted it immediately, and I still do. Because I don't want to hurt you. I was just so shocked to see you there and then… I didn't think."

She was silent awhile, unforgiving. "You and her… are you…um…"

"We've gone on a couple dates…"

She nodded, and hung around for only a moment more. "Later, Tawny."

I left school early that day, knowing I was ready to break down myself.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N:** Hey, all, again I just wanted to apologize because I feel this fic is dragging a bit but I have vague plans for the future so it is going somewhere, just takes some time to get there is all.:) Thanks for bearing with me and reviewing!

**Chapter 16**

There's little to say about what happened during these weeks with Stacy, avoiding Ren (and her avoiding me, for that matter). Everything was very stagnant, it seemed, and no one cared enough to change it, I for one had no idea where to begin. And Stacy, well, I still don't know if she was oblivious or just doing her best to pretend she was. I'm inclined to say the latter, and give her a little credit. In that circle, Amy's circle, what went on between Ren and I was quite well known, and to be honest, I think they knew how significant the relationship was for us before either of us did.

After Valentine's Day, and the brief confrontation that followed, I didn't speak to Ren at all. I hardly ever saw her either. Ruby had approached me at one point, tried to make small talk—she was trying to get information from me, I'm sure. Ren wouldn't be telling her everything about this. Ruby was her best friend but this area was closed off for just herself and yours truly. That would drive Ruby nuts, but she'd try and respect it. She'd have to, there was no other option. She knew as much as Amy and Co. did, the finer details only could come from two sources and they weren't available.

It's hard to describe what I was feeling in this time. It was like I was lost, but I wasn't afraid. It was a monotonous routine of going through the motions, as I've said before. I went on dates with Stacy, I did my school work, I hung out with friends, I tried not to think about Ren. Some days it was easier than others, but it seemed everywhere I went there was always something to remind me of her. And often they were things I'd never have expected, things that probably wouldn't remind me of her were we still together.

Then one day, I received a note in my locker. It read:

_Tawny,_

_I know this is out of the blue, and things have been very off between us lately, for good reason, but I was hoping you'd meet with me today (3/15) at lunch near the oak tree by the art room. There's something I want to ask you._

_Love, Ren _

I was grinning madly when I read this the first time, only to check myself. There was no reason to get excited. And when I started to think about it, I didn't know why I'd gotten excited. I was supremely confident she wasn't going to propose we give it another try—which for all my pride and dignity I would've agreed to in a heartbeat. There were a million things she could be asking, it could be for help with something from her psych class, it could be she thinks I'm a suitable candidate for some interview or other for the paper or yearbook. Hell, it might not even be from Ren—it could be a cold trick from Larry or an unintentionally nasty one from Louis. It could be a set-up devised by Ruby or Amy or both of them together… the possibilities really were endless and I struggled to stop deliberating them and just wait and see what Ren, if it was her at all, wanted.

I was sure I was drawing far more pleasure than is warranted out of her signing it "Love, Ren"… not 'from', not 'sincerley'… 'love'.

When lunch rolled around I was quick to move, as I had to get out of my biology class before Stacy came by to meet me. I made it out of the room and down the hall, into the staircase without her or anyone knowing. The south stairwell is rarely used because it's in an inconvenient location and nothing is by it. From there on I slipped outside into the courtyard, which I managed to cross unnoticed as well, at least it seemed so. I'm sure I was being overly paranoid about the whole thing. Anyway, I headed around the edge of the building, my heart speeding up with every step and when I drew near the oak tree I was both relieved and ill at ease to find Ren standing there waiting for me.

She was wearing a white button-up top and jeans. Her hair was pulled back in a loose bun and she looked quite relaxed. That meant whatever it was she had to say to me, she felt prepared to say it—she'd probably rehearsed it.

When she noticed me approaching she looked up and I think a smile briefly formed on her lips before she resumed her 'I've got work to do' face.

"Hey," I said, trying to bring my voice above a whisper, though my nerves refused to allow it.

She could tell I was nervous, and smiled a little again.

I didn't understand how she could seem so collected. Every exchange we'd had during the past couple months had been anything but cool and collected and yet here she was, acting as if nothing was 'off' as she'd said in the note.

"So, what…what is it you wanted to talk about?" I tried to move things along, growing in my discomfort by the second.

"Well, um," Thank God she was finally seeming a little uncomfortable. "This is probably going to seem really random but… I was wondering if maybe…um…maybe we could, uh…be friends again?"

That wasn't what I had expected, though I'm not quite sure what was. "You want to be friends?"

"Yeah…" She was no longer making eye contact with me and it seemed her confidence had dropped way down. She took a deep breath before continuing. "I really miss talking with you, Tawny. You knew me…differently than everyone else and…it was nice to have someone I could talk with about all that other stuff that's not school-related or work-related…all that 'Ren Stevens' stuff, you know?"

I knew. Someone to talk about my Ren with—that's what she wanted.

Ren didn't look at me at all when asking me this. "I mean, I understand if it would make you uncomfortable and I know that you're…with _her_ now…but I don't want to just cut you out of my life."

I didn't know if it would be a good idea, it certainly didn't seem like it was going to help me in my painfully slow process of moving on, but I couldn't refuse her.

"Sure, I think we could try. But you're going to have to actually look at me if we're going to be friends, you know."

She looked up and smiled. "I can do that."


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: **So, I just reread my story to refresh my memory and all… I've got to say I've made some horribly annoying typos. It's quite embarrassing. And in some essential places too! _sigh_ I don't know why I felt like informing you of this because I'm sure you noticed them too. Imperfection is much easier to find than its opposite. And another note: I'm not familiar with the geography of California so I could very well be altering it here, but hey, this is fiction, no?

**Chapter 17**

Doing the whole 'just friends' thing seemed like it was going to be a lot harder than it ended up being. I had thought it would be awkward, that my feeling for Ren would interfere—in fact, shortly after our conversation on the matter had ended, I'd began to feel upset, figuring that Ren was obviously over me otherwise she wouldn't have been able to try for friendship.

However, it worked out quite nicely after all. We started talking and hanging out again—we ate lunch together a few times, sometimes with Stacy there too. Ren didn't seem quite as open to me as she'd been before, but that was to be expected. She seemed completely ok with the idea of Stacy and me and was in fact very supportive of it. But I've never been sure if this was sincere or if she was just pretending. The latter seemed more fitting given the situation. Regardless, it was good because Stacy was growing in favor with me too.

Ok, well, 'growing in favor' makes it sound so platonic. And it was anything but. After a few more dates, we'd slept together, and I was becoming increasingly fond of hanging out with her. To be honest, I willingly hung out with her more than I did with Ren, which was the exact opposite of what I'd thought would happen. I had assumed that I would've been too distracted by Ren to give Stacy a fair chance, she was after all, just supposed to be my rebound girl. But Stacy managed to land me in her own right, in spite of Ren. And what's more, she had no problem with Ren and I hanging out. She was well aware of our history but she wasn't about to impose any rules on me and seemed genuinely ok with us being friends—I mean, in TV shows things like this always happen and the new partner always says they're ok but the viewer can tell that they aren't and the other character is always painfully oblivious but I truly think she was ok. If she wasn't, she was damn god at hiding it. I should make it clear that I didn't discuss Stacy with Ren.

All of this happened within the course of two weeks which seemed strange. I'd gone from being completely miserable to feeling great. Everything in my life seemed so perfect. I felt that I'd gotten over Ren entirely, had really moved on to Stacy. But in addition to this I had my best friend back in Ren. I also heard, though I never got Ren to confirm it, that she's moved on too. She'd messed around with a few girls, nothing serious, but I'd consider it progress for her. She seemed happy, but she'd always been harder to read than most… at least for me. So I wasn't certain on anything about her true feelings but I told myself she was happy. It made it easier for me, I think.

So, I was in high spirits near the end of the month, school had let out and it was spring break. Stacy took me out to the drive-in movie theater where they were playing Baz Luhrman's _Romeo+ Juliet_. I wasn't thrilled about the movie choice, I may have been over Ren but that didn't mean I needed to be reminded of things like that. We'd watched that movie on our last weekend together, as a couple. I didn't think I'd ever be able to watch it again without thinking of her in a way that I couldn't help at times… I didn't mention this to Stacy and pretended to enjoy the movie with her. We didn't spend that much time watching anyway. Stacy understood the purpose of movies on dates, Ren never had, or so it seemed.

But I couldn't help wondering why, if I really liked Stacy and was completely content to just be friends with Ren, I couldn't get her out of my head. I might not have always pulled up melancholy images, but it seemed everything evoked some memory of her. I simply suspected that maybe on a subconscious level I wasn't over her yet, but I would be soon, I insisted silently to myself. I was with Stacy now and I was much happier with Stacy. Sure, I wasn't in love with her. But everything was more enjoyable and there wasn't the dark cloud hovering over the relationship like there always seemed to be with Ren. And, as I've said, Ren seemed happy too. I honestly don't know what I'd have done if Ren had showed up on my doorstep wanting to get back together. I was happy with Stacy now, but Ren…well, she was still Ren. At least part of me held her apart from everyone else and that part was bound to have sway.

Anyway, after the movie we went over to my place. My parents were out of town, again, so it seemed the thing to do. As soon as we shut the door we set about slowly making our way up to my room, stopping for several interludes along the way. I pushed open the door, and we were kissing when we slipped inside.

The clearing of a throat interrupted us.

I whirled around, startled to see Louis sitting on my bed. "What the-- ?"

"I'm really sorry," the words raced out of his mouth. "But I just needed to know if you've seen Ren lately?"

"What?" I was having difficulty taking everything in but I figured that he'd let himself in using the key under the front porch, I was pretty sure he knew where it was.

"She left for school this morning but no one has seen her since. My mom called the school because Ren had left her backpack and all her stuff, which seemed strange but she figured… I don't know… but they told her she hadn't come to any of her classes and now it's midnight and we still haven't found her. And it goes without saying that it's not like her to skip school or go anywhere without leaving a note or something, you know?"

"Have you called her cell?" Stacy asked.

"She left it at home, with all her stuff. As far as we know she has the car and that's it. Well, and the keys…I mean, my mom was really freaking out at first…she thought she'd been kidnapped or something… but now it looks more like she left of her own accord, since she left everything. I mean that would be a pretty convenient coincidence for a kidnapper if that were the case."

"But why would she leave?" I asked, still struggling to digest what he'd said.

"I don't know, I just came from Ruby's and she has no clue either. She says she hasn't seen or heard from Ren since yesterday during sixth period. So when was the last time you saw her?"

I scratched my head and tried to remember, my heart was pounding in a way I knew it wouldn't have for Stacy. At a time like this I still couldn't help making the comparisons… "Yesterday, I saw her during lunch. But I haven't actually talked to her since…Tuesday, I think."

"Ok," he replied, nervously. "I'm going to head home. Call if you hear from her or something…"

"Of course," I replied, quietly.

He slipped by us, hurried down the stairs, and let himself out.

"Why would she just up and leave? That doesn't sound like Ren at all…" I could hear Stacy speaking behind me. She was still in my room, though I'd moved out into the hall.

Why would Ren leave? And where would she go? But the idea came to me soon enough. I couldn't be certain, but Ren had taken me there once, before we ever dated.

Amy had held a party at her uncle's house once and he lived about an hour and half outside the city, up in the mountains. Ren apparently had been in the area before for some reason or another and after one of her meltdowns—the 'trying to get the guts to do more than just kiss another girl' meltdowns—she'd wanted to leave the party early and so we did. But instead of going straight back to Sacramento, she'd made me pull off on an old road and drive up to this strange clearing. We got out and walked a little ways through the field and came to the shores of a lake. The water was black and rough from the wind. The day had been overcast but for some strange reason there were no clouds over the lake. Just a circle of clear sky with the stars glittering through. She told me that the clouds rarely seemed to come over the lake, at least they never did in all the times she'd been up there. She said she went there when things weren't right.

"I might know where she is," I said, turning to Stacy.

"Well why didn't you say anything?"

"No, I just realized it. I have to go and see though," I turned away from her. "It would be too difficult to describe it to the Stevens. I'm not good at giving directions. So I'll just go. I'll have my cell and I'll call if she's there. No need to get there hopes up if she's not."

"Ok, well, let's go," she gestured toward the door.

"You shouldn't come."

"What?"

"Something is obviously wrong and if I do find her I'm sure she won't talk if you're there."

Stacy seemed startled by this. "Does she not like me?"

Probably not, I thought. "She doesn't know you. Would you talk about something that was really bothering you to someone who's almost a complete stranger?"

She nodded. "Alright, but be careful. It's late. There's a lot of creeps out now."

I nodded back and made to leave. She tried to kiss me goodbye and I gave her the cheek, not even realizing I did so until I was out the front door.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: **Well, so many reviews so quickly… I had to update in a likewise fashion. My apologies for the choppiness of these last few chapters. But here's a longer one…like 2.5 times the length of my average chapters. You all should be so lucky… ;)

**Chapter 18**

As I sped toward where I hoped Ren would be my mind was racing—looking for answers as to why she'd left so suddenly. I couldn't come up with anything. The only thought I could manage was that she wasn't happy about us, but she had seemed fine. But I could've been wrong. Though this reaction didn't fit that problem. I could see her needing to get away for a few days, but to leave no note? And so suddenly without a warning of any kind? It wasn't Ren.

The roads were windy but empty, and it didn't seem to take long for me to find the dirt road she'd made me pull onto months before. I was forced to slow way down as I made my way through the darkness, but eventually I pulled out into a clearing and found Ren's car parked there. I parked beside it, jumping out of my car and rushing around to hers without even shutting my door.

I peered inside her car but found nothing. I turned and walked toward the lake. It was clear and if she was sitting down there she wouldn't be hard to spot. The sky was perfectly clear and the light of the stars and moon would aid me.

But when I reached the shore of the lake, she was still nowhere to be found. I searched all around the area-- she could be lying anywhere in the knee-high grass that covered the ground. It was late after all, and if she wasn't sleeping in the car…

I sighed with frustration. My heart was pounding—a million horrible possibilities racing through my mind.

Then I noticed a light on the about a quarter of the way around the lake, hidden behind a few trees, it only flickered a moment before the black walls of forest encompassing the lake enveloped it again.

Hurriedly I began to walk along the shore, hoping to a God I didn't believe in that Ren was there. When I got closer I found a small shack with the windows boarded shut. A little light could be seen through cracks at the edges of the frames, and I figured the light I'd seen across the way had been from the door being opened.

As quietly as I could I moved closer to the windows, trying to peer in through the cracks. The first one revealed only a mattress on the ground, with a sheet pulled over it and a wool blanket laying neatly over half of it.

I moved across to the next window and I could see the lantern resting in the middle of the room, the only apparent source of light. So far the whole of the structure appeared to be a single room. Quickly I rushed past the front door, though I'm not sure why. I couldn't be seen through the wood of it. The next window revealed what I'd hoped to see: Ren. She was sitting on a small wooden chair, reading a book despite the poor lighting. She was wearing a red sweater over white button-up shirt, and dark jeans. She had a bag on the ground beside her and I could see what looked like a loaf of bread and a bottle of wine protruding from it. I checked the next window, just to be sure if no one else was inside.

I moved back to the front door. Taking a deep breath, I knocked.

She would probably be startled, I thought. Probably didn't expect visitors.

She didn't come to the door and I dropped down to the window to see what she was doing. She'd moved, had taken the wine bottle up for defensive purposes it seemed. She eyed the door suspiciously, fearfully.

"Ren?" I called in through the crack. "It's Tawny. Let me in."

She sighed, dropping the arm that held the wine bottle, posed for battle, to her side. She stared at the door for a moment, her expression indisputably pained.

I stepped back and waited outside the door, and soon she opened it, though not all the way. "What are you doing up here?" she asked, apparently not planning on letting me enter her ascetic abode.

"I could ask you the same," I responded.

"I wanted to be alone for a little while," she answered, simply enough.

"You didn't leave a note or anything," I said, then adding: "Please, can I come in? It's freezing out here." I was still dressed as I had been for my date earlier that evening—a slender black dress with thin shoulder straps, and a jean jack I'd grabbed on the way out.

"It's not much warmer inside. There's no heating," she replied, but stood aside and let me enter anyway. She wouldn't force me to stay outside in what I was wearing.

She shut the door behind me. "You can stay for five minutes. No longer."

"What?"

"It's a pretty simple statement, Tawny, but if you need me to break it down for you…"

"Why are you up here?"

"I already told you."

"Well, what's wrong, Ren?"

"Everything. I don't want to talk about it." She sat back down in the chair she'd been in before I'd intruded.

"You can talk to me about it, Ren," I said, trying to sound as inviting as I could. "We could always talk. You wanted to be friends again, remember? This is what that's for."

"No, we're not friends. I don't want that anymore. That was a mistake."

I didn't know how to respond to that.

"You should just go, Tawny."

"Well, are you coming home soon?"

"I don't know."

"What is that supposed to mean? You're just going to stay up here? Live on bread and wine and let your family freak out about you?"

"They don't need to freak out, you can tell them that."

"I'll tell them where you are."

"I'll leave; I was only going to stay here for a night, maybe two."

"And then?"

"I don't know."

"Spontaneity doesn't really work for you, Ren."

She sighed angrily.

I put my hands up. "Sorry."

She glanced at her watch.

"Are you waiting for someone?"

"No."

"Are you going to tell me anything, or am I going to have to work it out of you?"

"I don't want to talk to you, Tawny," she yelled, catching me off guard. "Not you or anybody else. I want to be alone."

"Ok, ok," I said. "But I'm not going to just leave you up here without any answers, Ren."

She crossed her arms.

"I'm not trying to upset you,"

"I know, but it's been five minutes. So you can go now."

"What? No. We're not done."

"Yes we are," she said, rising from her seat and moving toward me.

"What's wrong, Ren?"

"Nothing."

"You said everything was wrong."

"Fine, everything. Now go." She grabbed my arm and jerked me toward the door.

"Are you kidding me?" I snapped, startled by her aggressiveness.

"No, I want you to leave… now I know you're not good at doing things for other people…"

"What? Ren…"

"I don't want to talk with you, Tawny!" she let go of me and turned away, pacing back toward the center of the small room, her hands pressed behind her head as though she were under arrest.

"Everyone is worried about you, Ren," I said. "I'm not trying to upset you but what do you expect me to do? Just leave you up here? When something is obviously really wrong?"

She sighed, but still didn't turn to face me. "Just tell everyone that I'm fine. Please. Just go. Leave me alone. I'll be gone for good tomorrow."

"What?"

"Nothing, Tawny. Just go."

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know!" she snapped again. "Away. Maybe just to the bottom of the lake…but probably not. Probably farther away…"

"To the bottom of the lake?" What on earth was she talking about? Nothing could be that wrong, could it?

"Or farther away… but that _would_ be easy." She started mumbling to herself. "There are some cement blocks and a small wooden boat… it only has one oar. But I could paddle out there, attach my hands to the block and throw myself off. It'd be difficult to unhook them underwater and I couldn't lift it without my leg strength…I just need something to attach my hands with…"

"Well, I'm sorry but now I'm not going to leave you up here for sure!"

"No, no… I won't do that. I'll just leave, Tawny. Please, leave me alone…"

"What the hell is the matter with you?" My voice was barely above a whisper at this point.

She just shook her head, still not facing me.

"Ren? Come on… you could always talk to me."

She didn't move.

"Tell me what's wrong," I spoke softly as I moved closer to her.

"Nothing… it's nothing…. I…"

"It's not 'nothing', you were just rambling on about killing yourself," as far as I was concerned at this point my job was to get her back into town and to a professional psychiatrist.

"I won't, Tawny, I won't do that…"

"Just talk to me, Ren," I put my hand on her shoulder.

She whirled around, pushing my hand away. "Don't touch me!"

"Ok, ok…sorry…" I replied quietly, noticing how hard she was fighting to hold back tears. "Talk to me, please."

"What do you think is wrong?" she raised her voice.

"I don't know, tell me." I could only think of the situation with us, but I didn't see how that alone could drive her to this point. Or how she could've hid it so well. Either way, it seemed self-centered and I dared not venture the possibility out loud.

"Everything is wrong!"

"Like…?"

She glared at me.

"Ok, well…uh… Amy said you've been having fun with some of the girls…so it's not a relationship thing, is it?"

She looked at me very strangely then. "Everything encompasses a lot of things, Tawny. I think you'll always be one of those things."

I hesitated before pushing to another section: "School?"

She laughed. "School? You mean my grades? 'Cause there still perfect, even with Larry taking over the student government, my record is perfect. Not good enough, but perfect. Better than anyone else at that school's record."

"But not good enough?" I didn't understand what she meant by that.

"No, not good enough."

"How can perfect not be enough?"

"I don't know. You'll have to write the admissions offices at Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Stanford, and Brown for the answer to that one." She scoffed.

"What?"

"What? I didn't get in. Not to any of them. And my mother went to Brown and my dad went to Stanford. Legacy is supposed to have a lot of weight at those places! But not enough for me."

"Ren…" That would do it, I thought, that would push her over the top. She never told her father about us because she didn't want to ruin his ideals of the perfect family, the perfect daughter—the valedictorian who was destined for some Ivy League school, or, at the very least, Stanford. "It's just luck, bad luck."

"No, no it's me. I'm not good enough. I'm a let-down."

"No you aren't. Tons of people apply to those places and they can't all get in. There are people all over the country with the same credentials as you who just had better luck."

"How can I tell my parents that I didn't get in _anywhere_? I mean, they've expected no less than Harvard or Yale for years. I was supposed to get into both of them and then make a choice. I was good enough to have that right. They didn't even think I should bother applying anywhere else, not even Stanford or Brown, and especially not Princeton. And now it's no even that I'm going to a lesser school… I'm not going period."

"Ren, they'll understand. It's a matter of luck."

"I should've at least gotten into Stanford or Brown."

"You should have. You deserved it, but they only have so many slots…"

She shook her head, her back to me again. "This year everything just went to hell."

"You can reapply for Winter term. Maybe take some time off and work or go to a community college?"

"A community college?" She didn't like that idea at all.

"I'm just saying it's not the end of the world… certainly not worth drowning yourself."

"No, you don't get it. You've never had this… you've never had the pressure on you that I have. Your parents are different…" she paused, letting out a brief, pained laugh. "So what now? I tell them hey, not only am I, your pride and joy, a fag—but I didn't get into any of the schools I applied to either! Yes, I am just that much a failure! The disgrace of the family."

"You can reapply, Ren," I maintained.

"No, that's not the same. Everyone will know I didn't get in the first time around. Larry will find out and make sure everyone knows. They print up senior destinations in the school paper."

"I doesn't matter what other people think, Ren. They don't know the whole story. They never do."

"You always say that: It doesn't matter what others think. But it _does_ matter. It matters to _me_. It may not matter to you and it may not matter to…_her_… but it matters to me."

I was taken aback by the amount of venom she'd injected into that word: _her_. Obviously she wasn't as ok with that situation as I'd thought.

"I was counting on this, Tawny," she sighed. "I need to get away from here. When you wanted to get back together and I said no, it was because I knew I'd never come through for you. I failed you completely…"

"Ren," I protested, but she cut me off.

"No, I did. I was a big let-down there. But I figured maybe I could do the friends thing but that didn't work. That hurt too much. And seeing you with _her_…" the venom was there again. "So I figured, 'ok I just have to put up with this for a few more months'. I didn't want to rescind my offer of friendship, but I figured you'd be easy to avoid in the summer and I'd be working most of the time anyway. Then in August I could leave. I could put, like, three-thousand miles between us. Then, I thought, things would get easy. And now what? I can't go three thousand miles away with no purpose. I'm stuck here with you." She walked over to the mattress and sat down, her elbows resting on her knees, her head in her hands.

The wording of her little speech stung a little, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt, assuming she meant no real offense by it. I moved across the room after her, taking a seat beside her on the mattress and putting my hand on her shoulder, half expecting her to swat it away again. She didn't.

She continued speaking, not looking up. "At least before I had you so even if this fell through—which I never even considered possible—I wouldn't have minded staying here so much. I was kind of planning on it…"

"What?" I asked, startled.

"Well, long-distance is no good… even if with me you probably wouldn't have even noticed. I would've gone to Stanford for a year maybe. I could've visited you on weekends at least. You said you wanted to go to New York. That's close enough to Harvard or Yale. So I could've gone to Stanford for a year and then transferred, taken some General Ed classes… they're pretty much the same everywhere. And then next year we both would've gone to the east coast together. Or maybe I would've gotten a delayed enrollment thing, I had a friend who did that. She wanted to take a year off to travel first. I could do that. I could've put Harvard off for you. But now…" she sighed, so upset. "What am I going to do, Tawny?"

At that point I somehow lost control of myself. I moved my hand from her shoulder to the back of her neck, and slipped the other one under her chin, turning her tear-streaked face toward me. "Come here," I whispered, pressing my lips against hers.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

Reflecting, I'm nothing short of shocked that Ren didn't shove me away or bolt to the other end of the room—or anything more Ren-like, more unnecessary nervousness. But she didn't. The kiss lasted for several moments before I pulled away and opened my eyes. My face was barely an inch from hers, my hands holding her face, brushing the tears away with my thumbs. She kept her eyes closed and rested her forehead against mine. She softly spoke my name, clearly intending to say something more, but she withheld.

Together we sat there like that in silence for what seemed like forever.

Then, suddenly the door flew open and in rushed Steve, shortly followed by Louis, Eileen, and Stacy.

Ren and I separated with lightning speed, both rising to our feet, both startled.

The assumptions I made about how they all came to be there were confirmed later—but I knew it was Stacy. She'd followed me and probably called the Stevens along the way, told them how to get there. It was really the only reasonable guess and it was right.

"Ren!" Eileen exclaimed, the first to speak. "Oh my God, what are you doing up here? We were worried sick about you!" She hurried across the room to embrace her only daughter.

I glanced at Louis and I suspected he'd figured it out then, his expression was quite telling.

Stacy seemed to be debating whether or not I was cheating on her, or if we'd just been sitting together, entirely innocent. That was the moment I first realized I'd cheated. I also realized that, while I felt guilty, I wasn't that put off by the notion. Given the circumstance, I can't understand what I would've been expected to do.

Steve, the most threatening figure there, was trying to figure out what he'd seen too. It seems strange to classify Steve Stevens as a threatening guy, he doesn't exactly exude masculinity to a great extent. Nevertheless, this was the one thing he did feel strongly about according to Ren, it was his one condition in the unconditional love all parents supposedly have towards their children.

His arms were crossed and he stood glaring. He said nothing to Ren, opting to prod me first. "Tawny?"

"Yes, Mr. Stevens?" I replied, trying too hard to sound polite. I'd known him long enough to call him Steve, he'd given me the right year's before. But I assumed it had been revoked when he kicked me out of his house.

"What have you done to my daughter?"

"Excuse me?"

"Dad," Louis protested.

"Quiet!" Steve snapped at him. "Ren? Has she done anything to you?"

"Have I _done anything_ to her?" I asked, seeking clarification.

"When I told you to get out of m house, Tawny. I meant for you to stay away from my family as well. I thought it went without saying, but obviously I was wrong."

"You told her to get out of the house?" Eileen clearly hadn't received the details.

"She's a dyke, we don't need her around our kids—especially not Ren."

"Steve!" She snapped angrily, but immediately looked at Ren: a questioning look.

Ren didn't reply, she didn't move. She stood staring at the floor as though she were paralyzed.

Stacy stood quietly against the wall by the door. I think by this point she'd concluded that there might not be a place for her in my life, or at least not the place she wanted. She was clearly uncomfortable with Steve and probably would kick herself for sometime for bringing him there at all. She would say she should've know, although there was no way she could've.

I could tell from the expression on Eileen's face that she realized the situation then, and Louis had it for certain now if he hadn't got it earlier.

Eileen closed her eyes and turned her face down momentarily; she was thinking things over. Then she slowly raised her head and said: "Steve, I think you should let me handle this."

"I have a right to protect my children," he stated firmly.

"You really think Tawny is doing any harm?" She retorted, gently though, so as not to anger him.

"She's corrupting her. You really want a fag for a daughter? 'Cause I guarantee that's Tawny's intention here."

"Steve," she protested.

"I know what I'm talking about."

"No you don't. Let me talk with them, alone."

"This needs a man's opinion. The girl's only aspect is what needs fixing."

"Dad, calm down," Louis interrupted. "So what if they're…well…you know?"

Good job, Louis, I thought.

"So what?" Steve yelled. "I've explained this to you guys a million times this past year with all that gay marriage crap floating around…"

"I know that!" Louis cut him off. "But still…"

"Shut up, Louis. Go back to the car," Steve replied, turning away from his son.

Louis did indeed shut up, albeit grudgingly.

"Steve, Ren is your daughter. Whatever happened here isn't going to change that. Whatever happens in the future isn't going to change that. The only thing that can change here is your attitude, otherwise…"

"My attitude? Ren doesn't have to be fooling around with girls! That can change!"

"But that won't change her feelings," Eileen explained, looking to Ren then. "If that is what she feels, anyway?"

All attention turned to Ren then. Everyone was asking now: what do you feel, Ren?

She looked up, noting that all eyes were on her. Uneasily she shifted on her feet, glancing around at each person in the room individually, her lips slightly parted as though to speak but she held her tongue, always hesitant.

When at last her eyes found me I saw how torn she was. She could still get out of this. Everything could be blamed on me. Steve would accept it all, and Ren knew I wouldn't speak up. I wouldn't _incriminate_ her there and then. She wouldn't be the shame of the Stevens family in that regard at least. And if she told them that, then telling them about the schools would be easier—at least with Steve. He'd be so happy that his kid was straight, nothing else would matter. Everyone would be happy.

Except us.

How many times had I made that case though? How come you're so concerned with everyone else's happiness and not your own? She argue that was selfish, and I'd say it wasn't. I'd say you shouldn't get your kicks at the expense of others, sure. But being happy yourself was just as important as making others happy. I'd ask: why do you care so much about making your dad happy that you'll lie and be miserable when you know he's not willing to do the same for you? Why does he deserve this sacrifice from you? He doesn't. No one deserves to benefit from others' sacrifices unless they are willing to make those sacrifices too. If she lied and pretended to be straight, then just as Eileen said, she's never actually be straight. She's be faking it. And she'd be miserable. Just as Steve might be miserable having a gay kid. Except he wouldn't be. He could be angry, but it wouldn't ruin his life. It could ruin, Ren's. It was her life, after all. It was her choice.

"Ren?" Steve pressed, his voice an uncharacteristically angry growl. "Is that what you feel, or at least what you think you feel? If it is, you're obviously confused and we can get you help."

She glanced back at him, and then nervously back at me. Turning back to him again, she said: "I've tried for four years to fix this problem for you, dad. I can't fix it. I can't. And I don't want to because the best I could do would be to lie to you and that's not fixing it that's just covering it up. And _that_ would hurt me more than the truth will ever hurt you." She looked at me briefly before continuing. "So yes, it _is_ what I feel. And no, I don't want help, I don't need help. I'm in love and it's not your problem."


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: **Sorry about the wait. One word: midterms. And there's actually a second thing: wouldn't let me upload. It was they who kept us apart so long! But alas, here's a new chapter for you to enjoy, or not, you may do whatever suits your fancy.

**Chapter 20**

A range of reactions rippled over the faces of everyone in the room as Ren's words sunk in.

I was both excited and terrified, but I was so fixed on observing everyone else, I didn't really allow myself to react to her statement.

Louis seemed to be proud of his sister for standing up to their father's discomforting and uncharacteristic rage.

Stacy showed a sort of resigned acceptance of what Ren's statement would likely entail for our relationship—the end. She was visibly upset by it, but understanding all the same.

Eileen had expected the response from Ren, seemed a little proud—in the same vein as Louis—but also was put off by it purely because of the difficulties it was guaranteed to bring for the family, the problems Steve would make of it all.

I half-expected Steve to blow up, or quickly and wordlessly storm out. He did neither. Rather, he shook his head very slowly, his brow furrowed and his blue eyes intently focused on Ren. "You will regret this," he said.

"Steve," Eileen started, though she didn't seem to know what she really wanted to say. "She's right, you know. It's not your…problem, if you must call it that."

"Not my problem? It's my daughter!"

"And mine."

"So how is it not a problem?" His anger was not subsiding.

"It's not hurting anyone. Life would be easier for everyone—you included—if you could just accept this small thing."

I watched Ren during all of this, my eyes darting back to her unmoving, rigid figure every few seconds, though Steve and Eileen commanded more attention at that moment. Ren seemed more shocked than anyone at what she had said, but she didn't revoke it.

He was on the verge of yelling. "How can I just sit--"

Eileen cut him off. "What do you plan to do, Steve? Honestly? She'll be leaving for college in a few months, probably to the east coast. You think you can interfere in her life from the other side of the country?"

Ren's shoulders sunk at the word "college".

"Yeah," Louis chimed in. "Ren's has always done everything you wanted. You've always been proud of her, and she'll probably continue to make you prouder than I ever will. It's not fair to act like this one thing—that has nothing to do with you anyway—is going to cancel out all of that. This doesn't change her going to Harvard or Yale or wherever. She's made you prouder than me, and even prouder than Donny ever did."

Steve sighed angrily, glancing around the room at us all, giving me a particularly harsh look, though I can't say I was the least put off by it. He turned then and left, still seething.

Eileen walked over to Ren and said, "I love you, and he does to." She hugged her tightly. "You probably shouldn't come home tonight though, let me talk to him first. Go somewhere else though, please. I don't feel safe, you staying out here all by yourself. Find a motel or some place to crash…" she looked at me, "go to a friend's place. Ok?"

Ren nodded silently, hugging her mother again. "Thank you," I could see her mouths form the words but no sound came from them.

Eileen turned and hurried after Steve.

Louis smiled, gave Ren a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "He'll calm down—he always does."

Stacy was looking at me, so I stepped toward her, figuring I owed her an explanation, but she gestured me away, shaking her head, and moving her hand as if to say 'don't worry about it' or 'no problem'. I could tell she was upset though, but like I said—she understood the situation.

The two of them left together, Louis shutting the door behind them, leaving Ren and I alone in the room.

As soon as the door closed, Ren collapsed back down on to the bed—her knees bent up, her back against the mattress, and her hands covering her face.

I moved over to her, sitting down beside her and resting a hand on her knee. I wanted to say 'everything's going to be ok' but it sounded so lame, so I just stayed quiet and watched her lying there.

She wasn't crying, or at least made no sound to indicate it. I think she was taking everything in.

Another eternity passed between us there before she finally spoke up.

"Tawny?" She didn't remove her hand from her face, and her voice as muffled and low.

"Yeah?" I responded, truly uncertain as to what she would say.

"I am _so_ sorry… about all of this."

My heart stopped a second, expecting this to be along the lines of her 'I love you, but we're not going to do this' statement of a month before.

She sat up then, and looked at me with tired, sad eyes, waiting for me to acknowledge her apology.

"It's ok," I said, quietly, still waiting like a criminal for the judge's decree.

She sighed, wiping her eyes with one hand and taking the hand I'd placed on her knee with the other. She squeezed it tightly, interlocking her fingers in mine, briefly brushing her lips against my palm, and then pressing it to her cheek.

Several more minutes passed in complete silence. No doubt she was debating all the ways to tell her parent's about the hand she'd been dealt in the college department.

She took our hands from her face, looking over toward her bag on the floor across the room. "You want a sandwich? I have peanut butter and jam in my bag. And bread, I have bread."

"Alright," I replied softly.

She put her hands at her sided, ready to push herself, but she stopped and looked at me instead.

"What?" I asked, a little startled.

"Um," she cleared her throat, smiling a little. "I was wondering… I mean…would you like to…go out… with me… some time?"


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N:** So sorry about the wait, it's been a long time. Like I said in a review/message and on my bio page, I am still working on this story. Things have just been chaotic. This one is sort of an extension to the last, but I needed to give you something.

**Chapter 21**

I can't describe the excitement that swelled in me that moment, nor the surprise. Suffice it to say that I was thrilled beyond belief. But, for some reason, I thought I'd drag it out a bit. "What exactly did you have in mind?"

"Huh?" It was her turn to be caught off guard, as she no doubt had been accepting a simple acceptance.

"Well, I'm assuming you've planned something…" I said, trying to sound really excited about the unknown plan. "I mean, _you_ are Ren Stevens and this has been months in coming…"

"Oh, yeah, right…um, well," she searched for an explanation. "I do…have…a plan. I do…"

I don't know why I was doing this, with all she was going through at the moment I could've just made this one thing easy for her. I guess something in me wanted to make her wait a little, because I had waited so long for this moment.

She stood up. "Let's have some food, and I'll tell you about it…" she said in a less than sure tone.

"Ok," I agreed, heading over to the chair beside her bag. I sat down in it and helped myself to some bread. I barely ate anything though, I was so excited and anxious.

"There's jam too, and…"

"Peanut butter, yeah, you already told me, Ren," I said. "So, tell me what you planed for our…first date."

She clapped her hands together. "Right, well, I, uh… it was a surprise. It is a surprise," her face lit up—she'd found a way out! "You have to say yes and go with me if you want to find out."

I smiled, rolled my eyes, feigned an annoyed sigh. "Fine, I guess I could go out with you."

"On a real date, in…public," she said, both reassuring me and informing herself that yes, indeed, she was out now. There was no turning back.

I slipped my bread back into the bag, only having torn a small corner off to eat, and stood up. "So, you want to come over? Or are you going to stay here? Eileen wants you somewhere a little safer, you know."

She nodded. "Yeah, right… could I? Stay with you, that is…"

"Of course," I replied. "That would be why I extended the invitation."

She nodded again. "Right, right," she sighed, looking over at me. "Tawny?"

"Yes?"

"How am I supposed to tell me dad about college?"

"Oh," I answered, scratching my head. "I don't know," I paused. "We'll figure something out though."

She sighed, dropping her hands with resignation. "You know, let's just stay here tonight. We'll go home in the morning. Or you will. I don't know when I'll go home again."

I walked over to her, taking both her hands in mine. "It won't be that long. You're dad _will_ cool off."

She half-smiled and pulled me in closer to her, wrapping her arms around me, and holding me tightly against her warm body.

I slipped my arms around her neck and rested my head on her shoulder.

"Ren?" my voice was barely above a whisper.

"Yeah?" she responded in a matching ton.

"Would you really have delayed Harvard to be with me?" I pulled my head away as I said this, so I could see her face.

"Well, yeah," she replied, seeming a little startled I'd even asked. "And now I'm tempted to use you as my excuse for not going in the fall, except I think my father would kill you. So I won't."

I laughed. "Well, thanks for that."

"Anytime," she smiled.

A few moments passed before another question popped into my mind. "Is there any way you can get your position on the student body government back? I mean, Larry's little deal shouldn't matter anymore."

"I don't even want to try," she said. "The year's almost over anyway."

I raised an eyebrow. "But it's Larry…"

"I know. My rabbi said I really need to work on just letting some things go. So, I'm going to let this go. He wanted me to let _you_ go, you being both a girl and a Gentile—it's ok, he said, but far from ideal. Would you prefer that?"

I laughed again. "No, no. We're fine. Let Larry have his presidency."

"Let him," she echoed. "I have bigger issues to deal with now anyway."

I nodded.

"What about… her...Stacy? Did you…" In spite of everything, the venom was still in her voice at the mere mention of Stacy.

"Yeah, I mean, not formally but she knows. She didn't really let me say anything. But she knows. It's over."

She clearly had something she wanted to say, to ask perhaps.

"Ren, what is it?"

She sighed heavily. "Um, it's just… Amy said something to me, a couple weeks ago…"

"What?"

"She said that…you'd slept with Stacy."

Silence.

"Is it true?" she asked, putting some space between us already.

I didn't look her in the face when I answered. "Yes, we did. Twice."

"Oh," she said, under her breath.

"We weren't together, Ren… you can't be angry with me for this 'cause we weren't together. There's no confusion about that either, right?" The words al tumbled from my worried mouth, as a nervous knot tied itself in my gut.

"No, we weren't," she still wasn't closing the gap between us.

"So?" I pressed, desperate to know why she'd had to bring it up at all. "I don't love her. I never loved her. I love you. You know that." I wasn't calming down though my brain kept telling my lips to stop moving.

"I know," she answered softly, calmly enough. She looked at me funny, tilting her head to one side and smiling. "Why are you freaking out?"

"Wha—well, you…"

"We weren't together. I can't hold it against you. You didn't do anything wrong. It doesn't thrill me that you…moved on so quickly… but it's my fault that you did," she explained. "But you should get tested."

"What?"

"What? Stacy's slept with a lot of people. And I can promise nothing's happening with us if you don't get tested."

I hadn't even though of that but it didn't surprise me that Ren had, nor did I think I had anything, but if she wanted a test I'd give her one. "Ok, sure. What about you though?"

"What?"

"Have you had sex with anyone? Other than your drunken night with me?"

"I knew it was you!" she exclaimed. "Oh, thank God… I was starting to think that it may have been some random person and—so yeah, I did get checked out already."

"Are you serious? You worry too much, Ren."

"I do not, it's a real problem these days."

I nodded. "Yeah, yeah. Let's talk about something else, please."

She grinned, kissed me briefly. "I'm going to go to sleep."

I followed her to the bed where we snuggled up together. She fell asleep within a matter of minutes, both her arms wrapped around me still. I laid awake for sometime, reflecting on everything before drifting off myself.

In the morning we rose pretty early and drove back into Sacramento for breakfast.

**A/N:** So, I totally don't remember if it's already been established whether or not Ren knew it was Tawny. I checked what I think is the last time it's mentioned—towards the end of chapter 12. Where Tawny claims that she slept with "someone" and waits for Ren's response. Instead of responding on that topic, however, Ren talks about something else. I didn't have time to read much of it, so if this is a repeat, I apologize and I hope it's not.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N:** Ok, so I apologize for the wait and I think I'm going to wrap this fic up—I have an idea brewing for another R/T fic (with perhaps a Louis/Ruby sideplot) and it's distracting me too much from this one. Here's my problem , you see—don't worry, a new chapter is coming after this little blog from me—I see Ren coming out as an inevitable obstacle that needs to be present in every Ren/Tawny fic because it's very in-character. I can't for the life of me see Ren as just being ok with the whole thing from the start. However, I don't like the fact that most R/T fics seem to center around that single issue, such as this one has. Also in rereading this fic, I felt it would've been better from the 3rd person, so as to include more of Ren's perspective. SO, here's what I'm saying, I may be writing a new fic, one that is R/T and will deal with the usual Ren coming out issue, but that has a few new twists, hopefully. May include a more thorough portrayal of things I only alluded to here. I have a few things in mind, and have been conversing a little with a reviewer who has some suggested premises that I might run with, not sure yet. Nothing is final. Any recommendations or requests are welcome though. Thanks for reading all of you, I hope you've enjoyed the fic. I wish I'd gotten it to you sooner instead of making you wait so long for a short, final wrap-up, but you know how it is…

**Chapter 22**

Everything was fine most of the morning, we were talking, laughing, having a good time, but when we turned onto the Stevens' street, Ren got very quiet. She intended to pick up a few things.

She sighed nervously as she pulled up in front of their house.

"Do you want me to come in with you?" I asked.

"No, I should be fine," she wasn't fine. She'd called beforehand though and Eileen promised to be there.

Pushing the door open, she left me sitting there alone inside. She took a few steps before turning around and reopening the door. "Come with me."

I nodded and unbuckled my seatbelt and opened my door.

I took her hand as we approached the front door, she squeezed it tightly, not looking at me.

Taking her key from her pocket, she unlocked the door and we stepped inside.

I don't think anyone heard us enter, but as we approached the kitchen we heard voices, continuing the same argument from the night before.

'How can I be ok with it?' 'She's your daughter, that's how!' 'My daughter would be like…' 'Your daughter _is _like that'…

And some new bits. 'Well, she's not going to school next year… we could send her to some…correctional facility' 'They don't arrest you for this Steve' 'Yes, but they have places for kids that get mislead like this' 'Stop talking about it like that' 'I never thought Ren would be the one to let me down, honestly' 'She hasn't!' 'I always thought it'd be Louis' 'Gee, thanks dad'.

I squeezed Ren's hand tightly. "Don't listen to him."

She nodded, but I could tell his words had stung. She pulled me into the kitchen behind her. "Good morning."

Eileen rose with a smile, coming over and hugging both of us, Steve didn't acknowledge us at all.

"I came for my things," Ren said, directing the news to her father.

He didn't reply, and after a few moments she let go of my hand and left the room, heading upstairs to pack a bag of a few essentials.

I was tempted to speak up, to say something to him but I was at a loss for words. I knew all the points I wanted to make but for some reason I knew any attempt at articulating them would fall flat. So I just stood there, both Eileen and Louis looking at me with sorry expressions.

I half-smiled back at them, not quite knowing what to do with myself while I waited for Ren. I wasn't sorry and though I suspected Ren still harbored some doubts about her choice, I knew she wouldn't regret it in the long run. I felt bad for her, but I'd have felt worse for her had she kept everything inside—and not just because that left me alone, I'd have been upset about that but I'd have felt sorry for Ren entirely on the ground that she'd have been making a huge mistake.

"Did you have anything to do with this?" Steve suddenly spoke up, holding up a handful of letters. "Did you know that Ren didn't get into college? Not anywhere?"

"I just found out last night. And no I had nothing to do with it," I grumbled, unintentionally. "What could I have done?"

"Really, Steve," Eileen scoffed, before heading around the bar into the kitchen. "Tawny, honey, would you like anything to drink?"

"No, thank you," I answered, smiling.

A few moments later, Ren came trotting down the stairs, a blue duffel bag slung over her shoulder. She stopped at the foot of the stairs, by the front door, waiting for me.

I walked over to her, taking her hand again.

She smiled.

Louis came over to us, looking sad and apologetic. "I can't believe this is happening," he said.

"It was supposed to happen in a few months anyway, Louis,' Ren replied.

"What are you going to do though?"

"I don't know. I'll probably get a job, and reapply for winter term. Or maybe I'll just work for a year, save up some money since I'm going to need it."

Eileen joined us then too, smiling warmly though she was obviously extremely upset. "He'll cool off, you'll be able to come back in no time."

Ren nodded and hugged her mother, but I could tell by the looks on both of their faces that neither of them believed Eileen's words to be true.

When the door closed behind us, I turned to Ren. "Are you going to be ok?"

She slipped her arm around my waist and gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek. "Yeah, I'm going be fine."

**The end.**


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